Bridehood Revisited: The decline of civilization at $250 a plate

The first dance

There are some songs that are perfect for your first dance, the song that you shall forever recognize as your song:

Your Song - Elton John

If - Bread

The Luckiest - Ben Folds

Everything - Lifehouse

Making Memories of Us - Keith Urban

Better Together - Jack Johnson

Then there are some that make you go "hmm..."

Bob Seger’s We’ve Got Tonight – a little desperate, if you will. “I know your plans don’t include me / Still here we are, both of us lonely / Longing for shelter from all that we see.”

Pick something a little happier for the crowd, you know.

Frank Sinatra’s Love & Marriage – In identifying the song, people’s minds immediately refer to the Bundy family before they get to Sinatra.

A Whole New World – because I love Disney so much

And then there are those that are completely unacceptable

Why don’t we get drunk and screw.

Inside your Heaven by Carrie Underwood. Because it sends shivers up my spine and I just do not like it. Yes, it’s selfish, I know.

Crash by Dave Matthews. Don’t get my wrong, I like Dave Matthews, but your first dance song really should not include the phrase “Hike up your skirt a little more” or mention a ball and chain…

Anything by Michael Jackson because shudder ESPECIALLY Butterflies: “All you gotta do is just walk away and pass me by / Don't acknowledge my smile when I try to say hello to you yeah / And all you gotta do is not answer my calls when / I'm trying to get through / To keep me wondering why, when all I can do is sigh / I just wanna touch you” Because it's Michael Jackson. Ew.

Songs that should be in bold in size 27 font on your Do Not Play List because even though you may have them on your iPod and you may sing aloud to them, it’s just not the right time or place, you know?:

You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling – WTF. It’s your damn wedding. You should have thought about that a couple of weeks ago.
Chicken Dance (or any other roller rink dance song – unless you’re having your wedding in a roller rink, then go for it…)
Another One Bites the Dust
Goodbye Earl
Achy Breaky Heart
Breakaway
Total Eclipse of the Heart
Goodbye to You
Believe by Cher
I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For
I Will Survive
I Will Always Love You

Heat Advisory!!!

If the temperature is, let's say, over 85 degrees and you are having an outdoor ceremony and the sun is hot and blaring, you might want to cut your ceremony just a wee bit shorter than the hour and seven minute shindig you have planned. No one, especially the guys, will be comfortable that long. And yes, everyone will be red from sunburn in your pictures because no one would imagine that anyone in their right mind would make people sit in the hot blaring sun for over an hour.

The calla lily.

Calla lilies rival roses for being the most popular wedding flower. You can get candles, favors, cake toppers, toasting flutes, etc. in a calla theme. But my question to the world is: am I the only person who paid attention when talking about Georgia O'Keefe in college art class? I'm thinking so, because while they look neat, when I'm with an ultra, ultra conservative wedding, I kind of giggle to myself.

Attention!

You know how sometimes, when it's breezy outside, and you're wearing a thin t-shirt and the winds blows in the right direction, and well... the girls are at attention? Yeah. Well, you know how some wedding dresses are thin and light and breezy and absolutely perfect for a beach wedding? Yeah. And you know how there's a photographer there to capture every memory? Well, he's going to get everything in that picture, even the girls standing at attention.

Sand or grass

If you will at any point of the day need to walk gracefully over sand or grass, stilettos are not for you. They may be good for aerating the grass, but not for grace.

Decisions, decisions

As a woman we have the option of taking our husband's last name. I think there are benefits to taking it or leaving it and feel very strongly that it is a personal decision. But what is important is that this decision needs to be made, and set in stone before the big day. Because when that big day rolls around and you haev been 100% certain for months that you are taking your husband's name, he will not be happy when you change your mind seconds before you're about to be introduced as a couple. Really, he will not be happy. Trust me.

Ouch.

I know the vision: a beautiful, romantic candle lit placecard table welcoming and wowing your guests.

Yes, I see it sitting this. The candle light creating a nice warm glow. This is a look you've created by having placecards attached to individual votive candles, or maybe you've written the seating arrangements directly on the glass votive holder and then had them lit in time to welcome your guests.

Oh this vision is lovely. I totally see it. The warmth, the glow, the beauty. Why don't we set up a practice table. Let's write your name on the glass votive holder and let it sit there for 45 minutes. Awww, pretty and glowy and warm.

Now let's pick it up and carry it to your table.

Aww, warm. And burny.

Wait. wait, go back. You have to be dressed nicely and in front of lots of people before you pick it up.

Okay, now pick it up again. Burny. Now try to hold it gingerly so it doesn't look like it hurts as much as it does, blow out the flame and continue on, but wait, you trip and now the hot wax spills out all over your hand and you're in public and you can't scream SHIT! out at the top of your lungs like you might really, really want to.

Now see? Wasn't that nice? Now let's return all of those votives and pick up some nice paper placecards (though I really do mean escort cards).

Back to the Damn Flower Girls

If you know a little girl whom you would just love to have as your flower girl, have a flower girl. Do not scour the earth searching for the flower girl with just the right look. No matter who you are or who your friends are, there will be a little chime that goes off in the back of their minds when you say that you didn't choose so-and-so because she just was not cute enough. That will not be a happy chime. It will actually be more of an asshole alarm. That won't be a bridezilla moment. Bridezilla moments are temporary. It will be an asshole moment, and asshole moments reflect on you forever.

Chastity.

Your sex life is your business.

It's your business if you have one, and it's your business if you don't. If you are a couple who decides to wait until marriage to consumate your relationship, congratulations. I may not agree with you, but if that's a decision you've made together and suits you as a couple, well, congratulations. This is a private thing. Between the two of you. And maybe your higher power. It is not the business of the congregation.

The marriage ceremony should not include a ceremonial unlatching of your chastity belt. No one will go around waving the bloodied sheet off the balcony to let the town know you were pure. No one outside of the couple needs to know the status of your hymen. You will not have witness in the room to ring a bell once coitus has been achieved. No. No. No. This is a private act.  Please leave this out of your vows.

(Not to mention Jessica Simpson included this in her vows, in a ceremony her father officiated. If you're going to copy your vows from a celebrity, you should probably choose one whose marriage lasted beyond the five year mark.)

Oh poop.

Just a word of warning on having very young members of your bridal party: they poop.

Yes, I'm talking about the cute ones in diapers. Now, I'm generally against having a token child in the bridal party. Their personalities, like their bowel movements, are just too unpredictable. They fall asleep during the ceremony, refuse to go down the aisle at the last minute, throw a tantrum during the vows, start to undress themselves, run away, etc. However, they're undeniably cute and people will have them no matter what I say.

But, please? No poop.

If they are in diapers, they're too young to be in the ceremony. No matter how cute they really are, poop is not cute.  Children are cute. But poop is not. When children smell, they are not cute. The smell will distract your guests. They will not notice their wonderfully adorable outfits. They will not notice how well behaved they are. They will notice the smell.