Bridehood Revisited: The decline of civilization at $250 a plate

Amazingly speechless.

If you ever need reassurance that you aren't a total asshole, I would urge you to visit True Bride Confessions.

I do believe that the confession sites have turned into a distorted form of keeping up with the Joneses, and that the goal is for people to have a place to anonymously post these confessions so they don't feel alone and aren't able to feel the sting of judgment. However, for a large number of those posts, I really hope those people judge themselves as assholes.

Yes, I do consider a person who says "my bridesmaid is so ugly.. is it wrong to ask her not to  be in the picture?" as a complete and total asshole and I hope she cries herself to sleep at night knowing that she's a bad person.

And this person makes me sad:

"When we found out I was pregnant we talked about marriage. When the baby came, YOU wanted to tie the know "very soon". It's NINE MONTHS later and you haven't even proposed!! I don't need a wedding tomorrow... Just a emerald cut diamond in a platinum setting. =)"

Yeah, it's about the family and not about the specific ring.

And then I am completely perplexed and stunned by this bad boy:

I had sex with one of my bridesmaids at my bachelorette party. Nothing like this had ever happened before...we were all just drunk in a hotel room in Las Vegas!

And it had 17 "me toos". What. The. FUCK.

 

The power of Google

To the person who found this blog searching for "how to turn your fiance on":

You're in the wrong place, sweetie. Way wrong. Also, I'm pretty sure that there aren't big differences in turning any man on versus a man who is your fiance. Good luck with that.

Target Bridal?

Bridal fashions at Target? Yes! Really! I know. I'm surprised. I have no idea what the quality is like. I'm sure the fit is pretty bad, though for a dress under $200 it would certainly be worth alterations. It probably won't disintegrate during the wedding, which is a good thing, especially since you should have no other occasions to wear a big white dress, and even if you think you do, you don't, really, you do not. They look cute enough. The bridesmaid dresses are generic and cheap, which your bridesmaids will thank you for. But who cares? The best, most wonderfully awesome quality of the Target bridal line is that they understand that strapless dresses look totally awful on most everyone and have created a bridal line where strapless is not the standard, and for that I almost want to kiss Isaac Mizrahi. Almost. Well, not really. Actually, no, not at all. But still, it is awesome!

Oh good, it will cover Britney's vagina!

I would imagine that in another 18-24 months Britney Spears will be moved to spawn again. 'Cause she's classy and all, she's gonna get hitched first. But beyond that, it's tough to predict. She could easily serve packaged Hostess snacks she picked up at a gas station with cans of beer. She could go very high end and serve caviar (but eat chicken nuggets drink vodka out of a water bottle drink apple juice out of a box herself ). Or maybe she'll serve hot dogs and have everyone go barefoot. Or maybe it will be a hooker themed affair in Vegas. Or it could be at a campground. The odds of it being at the Beverly Hills Hotel or in the parking lot of a local WaWa are roughly 50:50. We just don't know.

However, there's one thing that can be predicted. She'll be wearing this:

With a cowboy hat.

(photo from anvari.org)

Hello there.

Hello wedding blog.

How are you today? I know, I have neglected you. I am terribly sorry. It was necessary, I swear. I changed jobs, moved, and am finally now starting to really, really write about the weddings I did, because I can, you know, without the chance of people figuring out who they are since their weddings were probably a long time ago at this point, and of course, I work for a different company. And really, aren't you happy I can now share with you the stories of why you should settle your religious differences before the wedding, why it's unseemly to scream "this is a joke!" at your new husband of ten minutes, and really, how amused by all of it I truly am?

You're happy, and I know it.

So hello again, my dearest wedding bitch blog, I have missed you so very much.

Sincerely,
Your author

PS I am very, very sorry that we didn't chat about the Holmes/Cruise wedding and why the dress made her look like death on toast. We have a lot of catching up to do.

Your questions answered

To be honest, I'm slammed at work. Slammed. As such, I'm kind of on a wedding overload. When I sit down at the computer to write, I can't think of a single thing. Last week Amieable had asked me a question and I'm going to take that one on for today, but since I'm all about blogosphere bandwagons, I'm opening the comments on this post for all of your wedding questions. So have at me. And today, let's take a looksy at Amie's question:

Bebe - How do you feel about the bride or bridegroom being drunk at the reception? I think it is a definite "NO" but are there exceptions? Do you see members of the "happy couple" getting sloshed at their receptions?

I'm in the definite no camp. There is nothing, and I repeat nothing, more trashy than a drunk bride. At the end of the day, regardless of all of my usual snarky commentary, a totally sloshed bride is simply sad. She looks so pretty and elegant for the day, and wow, there's nothing that ruins that happy image like being totally sloshed. It's extremely disappointing, on so many levels. It's a day of celebrating and enjoying, and you can't do that if you don't remember it.  I'm all for having fun, but being trashed to the point of not being able to speak in clear sentences to give regards to your guests, or at the very worst, vomiting, well, ugh.

The groom being trashed is still sad, but it's not at quite the same level of the bride being trashed.
The worst is when only one member of the happy couple gets trashed though, because the other half is inevitably pissed. And when one half of the happy couple is visibly pissed on their wedding night, well, that doesn't lead anywhere good.

And yes, people will argue that getting totally hammered is the best  and only way to have fun. I simply do not agree with that, in just the same way that I don't agree with having a Disney themed wedding.

The first dance

There are some songs that are perfect for your first dance, the song that you shall forever recognize as your song:

Your Song - Elton John

If - Bread

The Luckiest - Ben Folds

Everything - Lifehouse

Making Memories of Us - Keith Urban

Better Together - Jack Johnson

Then there are some that make you go "hmm..."

Bob Seger’s We’ve Got Tonight – a little desperate, if you will. “I know your plans don’t include me / Still here we are, both of us lonely / Longing for shelter from all that we see.”

Pick something a little happier for the crowd, you know.

Frank Sinatra’s Love & Marriage – In identifying the song, people’s minds immediately refer to the Bundy family before they get to Sinatra.

A Whole New World – because I love Disney so much

And then there are those that are completely unacceptable

Why don’t we get drunk and screw.

Inside your Heaven by Carrie Underwood. Because it sends shivers up my spine and I just do not like it. Yes, it’s selfish, I know.

Crash by Dave Matthews. Don’t get my wrong, I like Dave Matthews, but your first dance song really should not include the phrase “Hike up your skirt a little more” or mention a ball and chain…

Anything by Michael Jackson because shudder ESPECIALLY Butterflies: “All you gotta do is just walk away and pass me by / Don't acknowledge my smile when I try to say hello to you yeah / And all you gotta do is not answer my calls when / I'm trying to get through / To keep me wondering why, when all I can do is sigh / I just wanna touch you” Because it's Michael Jackson. Ew.

Songs that should be in bold in size 27 font on your Do Not Play List because even though you may have them on your iPod and you may sing aloud to them, it’s just not the right time or place, you know?:

You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling – WTF. It’s your damn wedding. You should have thought about that a couple of weeks ago.
Chicken Dance (or any other roller rink dance song – unless you’re having your wedding in a roller rink, then go for it…)
Another One Bites the Dust
Goodbye Earl
Achy Breaky Heart
Breakaway
Total Eclipse of the Heart
Goodbye to You
Believe by Cher
I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For
I Will Survive
I Will Always Love You

Holy wow.

Yes, I know! It's been forever. I'm still here, I promise. The sucky part about being in the wedding business is that people are quite fond of marrying in the summer and fall and as such, they're keeping me a little busy. And a little headachy. I do have a long post written, but I need to proof it before I post it, and quite frankly, I'm a little busy mourning the loss of the Crocodile Hunter so I'll have to do it tomorrow. Really.

The Place Card M.

I love stationery. Love. Deep love. Therefore, I love that aspect of weddings.  The place cards are always fun for me. Everyone has different ideas, and yeah, some are not great. Not everyone will appreciate my love for extravagant stationery:

And they most certainly will not understand why I feel the need to profess my love for this place card. But I will, because I love it. It's ridiculous and extravagant and I will never purchase them but that's why we have the Internet.

I like the simplicity of this place card.

It's not pretentious, I like the border, it's affordable. Yadda yadda.

But there's a problem, at least in my head.

It's the M.

The M that's supposed to proceed Mr., Mrs., Miss, Ms., and Master, or should I say r., rs., iss, s., and aster. Yeah, that M. I'm sure there's some age old reasoning out there about why the M should be there, but every time I see a place card with the M, I just wonder if the writer was too lazy to write their own Ms. And what about the doctors, judges, fancy-pants people? Do you white out their M? Do you simply cross it out? Maybe a well placed flower doodle?

I do NOT like that M.

Heat Advisory!!!

If the temperature is, let's say, over 85 degrees and you are having an outdoor ceremony and the sun is hot and blaring, you might want to cut your ceremony just a wee bit shorter than the hour and seven minute shindig you have planned. No one, especially the guys, will be comfortable that long. And yes, everyone will be red from sunburn in your pictures because no one would imagine that anyone in their right mind would make people sit in the hot blaring sun for over an hour.