Responding to top search terms

I see some search terms pop up all of the time on my statcounter page (sitemeter doesn't always get them, I don't know why) so I've collected some of the best ones and I'm going to address them all here. You know, since I blog here. Sometimes. I may also blog here.

"How to turn my fiance on"
I've addressed this issue before. I have no idea why it continues to pop up. Okay, sure, I do have a topic dedicated to it, I'm just more concerned that people need this. FYI, you turn your fiance on the way you turn anyone on. Now, I'm not really an expert in that area, but lots of people are on the net. This is definitely not where you want to be.

"strapless dress back fat/arm rolls/pit tit/boob rolls"
Yes, if you have fat of any sort and you wrap half of it tightly, the fat will blossom like a mushroom cloud over your dress. This is never pretty. It happens to the thinnest people out there. Like Sarah Jessica Parker. If your outfit displaces fat in a way where you can still see the fat, it does not fit your body correctly. I don't care how pretty it is. If it doesn't fit you, that's what your guests will notice.

"I don't like my engagement ring"
I understand, and then I don't. It is a piece of jewelry that you're going to wear every day of your life, and if it's not you, well, that's tough. I do not, in any way, shape or form, believe that engagement rings should come with a gift receipt. While it may not be you, if he picked it out himself and thought it was perfect for you, that's what counts. It may not be the prettiest thing on the block, but it's one of the most meaningful things you'll ever own. I hope it endears itself to you.

I also have zero sympathy for anyone complaining their ring is too small. Zero. If you're upset because you're disappointed in the size of your ring, tough shit. You might glance and think, "Oh." But that's as far as it should go. If you throw a fit and demand something bigger? Well, you're being a gigantic bitch.

(I actually had a whole thing written out about being disappointed but I erased it because seriously, just a gigantic bitch.)

"How to get him to propose"
Forcing, cajoling, giving an ultimatum, etc. are definitely great ways to start a life together. (Please, please sense the sarcasm...) If you two have talked marriage, and you know he will marry you one day, he will. You can ask for a general timeline, like in a year or two years. Constantly asking, obsessing with your girlfriends, secretly planning on theknot, and so on and so forth will only hold proceedings up because you're demonstrating The Crazy. Other people aren't so fond of your Crazy, and it's especially not endearing to someone who is going to be stuck with it for the rest of their mortal life (or eternity, depending on your beliefs). Stop obsessing now and get a hobby, because after you get engaged and plan a wedding, well, you're going to have some free time on your hands, and you probably won't want to be obsessing about whether or not you pushed him too hard, if he really wanted to ask or if he just felt pressured to and is now unhappy, will you?

"How to uninvite someone/fire a bridesmaid"
You may not uninvite someone. End of story. This is probably the most popular question I see. Invitations are sent between six and 12 weeks in advance, how much could things have changed leaving the other person still wanting to attend your wedding? This is one of those times when you just have to suck it up because there is no way for you not to be rude and it will just create unnecessary drama for everyone involved.

As for bridesmaids, I find this to be very perplexing. People have dramatically different ideas of what bridesmaids are. Some people want the people they love most to be standing next to them, others use this as a popularity contest and want foot servants. Guess which philosophy I ascribe to? If a bridesmaid isn't living up to her duties and you're pissed, suck it up. My guess is she isn't liking you too much either.

Now, if she tried to sleep with your fiance, and oh dear god, why would you have friends like that, then you may uninvite her. Barring that, you made this decision and you're stuck with her.

Note to my best friends: I love you all, but you're going to carry parasols because I think it's funny.

Note to everyone else: My best friends are rolling their eyes. And they might be flipping the computer screen off.    

(Oh, I have another post idea all lined up in my head about bridesmaid expectations now. Maybe we'll have another post for Christmas!)

Comments

[Isabel]

Alas, I don't like my engagement ring. But only because it looks EXACTLY like my first one. Only bigger and white gold. And alas, it HAS grown on me.

Also...down with back fat!

[alyndabear]

Haha, all good advice. If I ever get proposed to, I won't be fussed on what the ring looks like - most likely because I'll have DIED FROM SHOCK at actually getting engaged in the first place.

Yeah.

[Molly]

Great advice. I'd love to hear about the bridesmaid expectations. I have seven bridesmaids...I think I may be crazy.

[IggieTC]

Why why why do we have to wait over a month between postings? I speak for all the readers out there who love this site and are frustrated that there isn't more more more! Please post another wonderfully witty post again and soon.

[Kim Calakoutis]

This is great! So funny!