I've started my research and you should all be relieved

Everyone should be relieved not that I've started my research about the upcoming post chosen by the masses, but that you are not being barraged by a collage of bad strapless dress photos.

Oh holy hell. Doesn't anyone love these girls? Who lets someone think that back cleavage is okay? That four boobs created by the bisection of your God given boobs is sexy? That the grievous amount of pit-tit overage won't scare the children? Who lets someone wear a dress that clearly does not fit and the corset collapses into the fat rolls?!

Bridal shop sales people should be forced to take the following classes in a deuglifying school
Bridal Shop 101 - Navigating the crazy mothers
Bridal Shop 102 - Supportive undergarments are your friend
Bridal Shop 201 - The art of explaining that you should be able to walk in those shoes if you're going to wear them
Bridal Shop 202 - Satin, silk and taffeta are not sausage casings: There's a reason dress forms don't have flab accessories
Bridal Shop 208 - Covering the epidermis: Fabric is your friend
Bridal Shop 300 - Where boobs go and why you should keep them there
Bridal Shop 320 - Yes, you work on commissions, but not many people really need a $4,500 gown. Really. They don't.

Then they need to take an oath to first do no harm, second never let anyone walk out of the shop and straight into a worst dressed bride column, third to never let anyone mortgage anything over a dress.

The muffinization of brides should be illegal. If the dress cuts the bride like a muffin cup and the skin and fat pours out over it, the person who let the bride think that was okay in any way, shape or form should be shot.

And yes, I fully acknowledge that there are bloaty days where my jeans may cause a bit of muffinization, but I spent $75 on them and I'm on my way to work and there's not a photographer and I'm not the center of attention. Also, they are not sparkly. Most days.

The only reason  you aren't seeing pictures here is because I am certain that many brides think they look simply ravishing with their backfat all squeezed and flowy and yes they look awful but it's a criminal to tell a bride she looked like shit on her wedding day. That you totally have to do behind her back (flab).

Comments

[Isabel]

I've often seen pictures of brides flowing over their dresses and been like "dude, who told you that you looked good?" I don't get it.

And that is why I liked my dress that had sleeves. Yummy.

[kenandbelly]

Having worked in a dress shop, might I just say that it was a dangerous, dangerous thing (in some cases) to suggest that the buck stops anywhere but with the bride. We would take measurements, write them down, make a suggestion, and then pass the sizing chart to the bride. But woe to her who dared to imply that the bride couldn't lose those 50 lbs. in 2 months. Woe, woe, woe.

[Nic]

I know, I know, but seriously, someone should have a sit-down and explain about Santa Claus, the birds and the bees, the fact that she's not a fairy princess and the truth about dieting before she gets married.

[liz]

Not to mention that the newspaper will always crop the photo you send in and the girls in strapless dresses usually look naked because the paper has cropped in to just head and shoulders. As a photographer, this annoys the heck out of me.

[Amy H]

YAY! for more posts. I am so glad that you are posting more. When you came back with the Bridezilla post I was optimistic and then...well, there were a lot of visits followed by my shoulders shrugging.
Keep it up! Your site is so much fun to read.

[Molly]

I just don't get how any woman--bride or not--can think that muffin tops and back fat look good. What are they thinking??

[ramona]

hooray, she's returned!

(I started to say "she's back!" but then didn't want to have to write "she's back (fat)!"... because you know I would've HAD to type it. I just can't help these things.)

but, again, HOORAY!

[HollowSquirrel]

back fat is hott. Long live back fat.

[alyndabear]

I don't care what size I am, I refuse to go strapless. I have underarm flubber that refuses to go away, and the boobs? Even though they are sort of nice in v-neck shirts, they turn more into squashed fat mounds when they're stuffed behind strapless outfits.

I'm with Mrs Squirrel. Woo for backfat! (Alas, no gown will cover that for me.)

[Amy H]

ok, now you are just a tease. It has been almost 2 weeks since your last post. if you weren't so funny I wouldn't mind...but c'mon...throw us a bone.