Bridehood Revisited: The decline of civilization at $250 a plate

I am writing the pink weddings post...

And I can't really plead writer's block... it's more like writer's confusion. Yes, the pretty pretty pink wedding is just freaking awful, but it's so deep. It's so... involved. Should I simply mock the random choices of the pink crap that people festoon their festivities with? Or should I delve into how it's all significant of the real problems of weddings and Why Girls Are Really Dumb Sometimes. Because having everything perfect and pink and totally of your dreams? Yeah, has nothing to do with the actual marriage. It has to do with someone being selfish and turning it into a party about them as an individual.

It's tough. I go back and forth on what I'm really supposed to write about, or what I really want to write about. Mocking pictures is too easy, though.

Instead I'll tell you a story that I was reminded of yesterday.

I , uh, know of a wedding where the bride and groom staged their going away shots with their guests, even though it wasn't the end of the party, but because the photographer had only been paid through half of the party.

Really.

Aren't they going to look at their going away shots and remember that they were just going back to the damn party? Aren't all of the guests thinking it's really stupid? Really stupid? Like why do they have to be pulled into this crap kind of stupid?

I've started my research and you should all be relieved

Everyone should be relieved not that I've started my research about the upcoming post chosen by the masses, but that you are not being barraged by a collage of bad strapless dress photos.

Oh holy hell. Doesn't anyone love these girls? Who lets someone think that back cleavage is okay? That four boobs created by the bisection of your God given boobs is sexy? That the grievous amount of pit-tit overage won't scare the children? Who lets someone wear a dress that clearly does not fit and the corset collapses into the fat rolls?!

Bridal shop sales people should be forced to take the following classes in a deuglifying school
Bridal Shop 101 - Navigating the crazy mothers
Bridal Shop 102 - Supportive undergarments are your friend
Bridal Shop 201 - The art of explaining that you should be able to walk in those shoes if you're going to wear them
Bridal Shop 202 - Satin, silk and taffeta are not sausage casings: There's a reason dress forms don't have flab accessories
Bridal Shop 208 - Covering the epidermis: Fabric is your friend
Bridal Shop 300 - Where boobs go and why you should keep them there
Bridal Shop 320 - Yes, you work on commissions, but not many people really need a $4,500 gown. Really. They don't.

Then they need to take an oath to first do no harm, second never let anyone walk out of the shop and straight into a worst dressed bride column, third to never let anyone mortgage anything over a dress.

The muffinization of brides should be illegal. If the dress cuts the bride like a muffin cup and the skin and fat pours out over it, the person who let the bride think that was okay in any way, shape or form should be shot.

And yes, I fully acknowledge that there are bloaty days where my jeans may cause a bit of muffinization, but I spent $75 on them and I'm on my way to work and there's not a photographer and I'm not the center of attention. Also, they are not sparkly. Most days.

The only reason  you aren't seeing pictures here is because I am certain that many brides think they look simply ravishing with their backfat all squeezed and flowy and yes they look awful but it's a criminal to tell a bride she looked like shit on her wedding day. That you totally have to do behind her back (flab).

Oh, you're still reading

So, as we all know I am very bad about updating. I didn't realize so many people were checking in until I checked my stats today. Ack! I'm sorry! (Oh, and hi! fellow Philadelphia people.)

So I guess I should post?

Let's take a vote on topics for a big post in the comments:

-Pink Weddings -- It's not all about you, dear.
-Everything has to be PERFECT!
-Children at weddings

Popping braincells

Yesterday I watched a marathon of bridal television on We.

There is no good reason as to why I did this. I have a stack of magazines including The Believer, Atlantic and several issues of The New Yorker left sitting unread. Hell, there's also a Real Simple, and maybe an issue or two of Self and/or Shape in there. I live ridiculously close to Barnes and Noble. I... I must have a life of some sort that permits me to do things other than sitting down and watching nothing but CRAP for several hours on end. I really must.

But yesterday, I did not.

I sat.

I watched Platinum Weddings. There's a certain point where spending so much money loops around and turns right into trashtastic. If your theme is pink and you have everything so pink that you even include pink lighting, well, I want to vomit from afar. I can't imagine how your guests feel. And good god. The dresses. What. The. Hell. One girl seriously looked like a white Barbie cake. Having a princess fantasy when you're 5 is okay. When you're 25? NOT SO MUCH.

Then I watched a special on finding the perfect dress.

I was appalled.

They hired people who told brides they looked good when they set new limits on pit tits and back cleavage. They were clearly incorrect.

And then I watched Bridezillas.

I dealt with some nasty brides. I have stories. But this show... Oh. My. God. What assholes.

I could go on and on and on but I'll summarize:
-These women are the mean girls who break good guys and turn them into assholes.
-I adore the people at Television Without Pity who can provide updates on who has gotten divorced. -Who the hell signs up for this show? What the hell possesses them? It's like Springer at the prom.
-If I could do it without watching it again, I would like to open a betting pool on how long it takes for different couples to get divorced.