Damn Disney.

I do not keep my hatred for Disney a secret. Although, I don't think it's appropriately described as an overall hatred because I don't really care if people visit Disney or watch their movies, though I do have a complete and total aversion to the following:

• Adults who wear Disney clothing in public
• Adults who decorate their homes a Disney motif, especially their bedrooms. Now, I'm not exactly a religious person, but I'm pretty sure Thou shalt not screw like a bunny on Winnie the Pooh sheets is between Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain and Tom Cruise is not a religious leader.
• Most importantly, Disney themed weddings.

I really do not understand the concept of the Disney wedding. As an adult, it's probably a bit healthier for your fantasies to involve whips and gags rather than impersonating a red-headed mermaid. And, well, it's time to give the mermaid thing up. Seriously, you're an adult now. You will never turn into a mermaid. No really, I promise. You won't.

So let's examine the serious flaws in the concept of a Disney themed wedding.

• Cinderella
  • You are not locked in a tower
  • You are not a slave to your ugly stepsisters and stepmother
  • You do not live in a royal kingdom
  • If you did live in a royal kingdom, they wouldn't hold an open casting call for ladies. This isn't the Bachelor. No really, it isn't.
  • You do not have mice for friends
    • No mice sewed your dress
    • No mice were transformed into amazing white horses
  • You do not have a fairy godmother
  • You aren't six years old and this fantasy has been going on for way too long.
  • You will never be a fucking princess.
• Beauty and the Beast
  • Seriously, if you pick this as the theme for your wedding you are just an asshole.
• The Little Mermaid
  • You do not live under the sea and and you haven't spent your entire life desiring to become a human. You are human, the fantasy is fulfilled.
  • You did not have to sell your voice
  • No deadline for marriage is that strict.
  • Seriously, you will never be a fucking princess.
• Sleeping Beauty
  • No offense, but you probably aren't the fairest in all the land.
  • If your mirror talks to you or anyone else in your immediate family, your fiance will probably want to know this before he makes the big commitment.
  • You were not cursed by some vengeful bitch in such a way that only your fiance could fix it.
  • Your finace did not rescue everyone in the audience. No really, everyone will like him and love him, but a bunch of those people have probably seen him drunk and trying to down half a pound of Velveeta in five minutes so they really don't trust him to wake the entire kingdom up, especially since they know he totally slept through his Mechanical Engineering final his junior year.
• Snow White
  • It would be majorly wrong to hire people with dwarfism to be in your wedding party.
  • It's pretty rude to paint your parents in such an awful light
    • No really, they didn't send someone into the woods to kill you.
• Mulan
  • Yeah, I'm too old to have watched this so I really don't know, but seriously, you're never going to be a fucking princess.
• Aladdin
  • Your magic carpet rides are probably illegal and not to be shared with the whole group

So now that we've established the basics of why I hate Disney themed weddings, we need to discuss the issue at hand: The Disney Bridal Collection.

Yes, it's true. After this, I think we're only waiting for Minnie Mouse Tampons and Quasimodo Colonics to hit the market and Disney will officially have its hand in everything.

So, the collection. It's a bunch of white dresses. They are created by the designer Kirstie Kelley and premiered at Bridal Week 2007 in February. They're priced between $1,300 and $3,500 and are available exclusively at Kleinfeld's in New York.

Yeah, so that's that.

Surprisingly, it's not awful. Thankfully there are no embroidered cartoon characters. On the website they all fit the models quite poorly which is disappointing and reflects quite poorly on their overall product. They're available in sizes 0-24, which is nice in one way, but I do think it's difficult to have one style fit such a wide range of sizes well. Fitting so they cover all of the necessary areas is one thing, but fitting and looking good is a vastly different area. And yeah, I'm really just talking about those damn  strapless dresses. They do not look good on 90% of people, I promise you.

So of course, many in this are strapless. *Sigh*

And by strapless, I mean boring.

Some are way too Disney...

 

No, really. WAY too Disney.

 

Did I mention bland? 'Cause yeah, there's the bland.

 

Some are straight out of a very sad time in 1995.

 

And then some... some are not entirely horrendous.

 

I figure Nickelodeon will have it's own line in 5-7 years.

Comments

[HollowSquirrel]

Oh thank you for this post. I mean, really people... get a life. If this post serves as a wake up call to even one princess wanna-be, it will be a ginormous gift to society.

[Isabel]

You mention Disney weddings as if you see them all the time.

Please tell me that people don't really have Disney weddings all the time.

PLEASE!

(I fear for America)

[Missie]

Notice how NONE of these models are smiling? Not a good marketing point for promoting a WEDDING at THE HAPPIEST FLIPPIN PLACE ON EARTH!!!

[Dexter]

I have a theory based on years of working in an emergency department and seeing a lot of people with mental health issues. Adults wearing disney themed garb in the general public=psychiatric issues. Yes, I know this is probably skewed given that I'm seeing a narrow segment of the population, but seriously folks. I once shared this with one of my nurses, who reacted badly--telling me in a huff that she wears them because they make her happy and because she had a screwed up childhood and was never allowed to be a child. Few years later they finally diagnosed her as manic-depressive. So I can only imagine the pathology behind disney themed weddings. Heh.