Memorandum
To: Every single mother of the bride in the world
From: Me
RE: Getting dressed for your daughter's wedding day.
Contrary to popular beliefs, the best dress for you will not be found in the Mother of the Bride section of anything. Being the mother of a bride is your title within the bridal party, it is not, and I repeat NOT, a special niche in society that requires its own clothing section.
Yes, it is partially your day too. It is a wonderful day that is preceded by months upon months of planning and stress, and dammit, you should enjoy it.
So why are you forbidden to have your own clothing section?
There is some fashion industry asshole in charge (his name may be Vincent and he may be on Project Runway. It would totally not surprise me.) and this individual is hell bent on making you look like sequined, pastel poop.
You heard me: sequined, pastel poop.
Yes, bridesmaids have their own section. Think of the 80s and what bridesmaid dresses were then. Yeah. If you don't remember, make a quick stop at uglydress.com and you'll remember why. There was a reason those suckers were corralled.
Just because you are the mother of the bride does not mean that you need to wear taupe, beige or cream. No no no. In fact, I'm quiet leery of colors that make me surprisingly uncomfortable to say aloud. It also does not mean that you need to cover up with a potato sack or the ubiquitous chiffony, boxy jacket. Or the famous short sleeve dress with the pattern-y top and chiffony skirt. No. FIGHT THE CHIFFON! Of course, if you are having a church ceremony, you must wear some type of cover up during the ceremony, but it doesn't have to be a boxy, chiffony jacket. Nothing should ever be a boxy, chiffony jacket. Throw on a cute bolero or stole.
Seeing as how you are the mother of the bride, you must be a woman. Therefore, show it off. Look good on your wedding day -- I mean her wedding day. Feel good. Don't upstage her. Feel comfortable. Feel wonderful.
Let us explore some examples...
Now, this is not horrific. She has some shape. But the color... The color and the shape and the shiney shiney shine and the whole feel is just too... something not entirely good. In addition, the rose makes me want to hurt someone.
This is unfortunate on a number of levels that all make me want to cry big alligator tears. This color flatters few, if any, and certainly not this model. This cut best accentuates flagpoles or houses being tented for termites. And then there's the detail, which actually makes me cry. If you add a couple of patches she'd look like a Precious Moments figurine and no one should ever want that.
(Okay, she'd need to be high to actually capture the whole Precious Moments theme, but this is close enough.)
Only if you're going to a Mormon prom. Only if you're confused and think the May pole dancing is at midnight.
Now this has a jacket and it's okay. This has a sleek, sexy feel that's sophisticated and a little bit original and kind of fun. It's perfect for a formal evening wedding.
This is fun and sexy, and if mom has the body to pull it off, she totally should.
Again, fun, sexy, nice. Chances are that mom won't be walking around acting like a seductress so you can ignore that aspect of the picture.
Also perfectly okay. I think I would want my mom to wear this.
My favorite. My very favorite.
Now, of course, it's not time to get into why we don't wear floor length gowns and/or sequins to brunch, but we can cover that another day. For now, look good and feel good on your daughter's wedding day. Be totally and wonderfully hotT. Just like Janet's mom.
