Bridehood Revisited: The decline of civilization at $250 a plate

Attention!

You know how sometimes, when it's breezy outside, and you're wearing a thin t-shirt and the winds blows in the right direction, and well... the girls are at attention? Yeah. Well, you know how some wedding dresses are thin and light and breezy and absolutely perfect for a beach wedding? Yeah. And you know how there's a photographer there to capture every memory? Well, he's going to get everything in that picture, even the girls standing at attention.

Check. Check.

Twelve bridesmaids.

Check.

Twelve $270 light pink, knee length Vera Wang dresses.

Check.

Twelve pairs of Stuart Weitzman's Quadro sandals at $198 a pop.

Check.

Twelve  plane tickets to your destination wedding in St. Maarten at $550 each.

Check.

Twelve people x four nights at $250 each.

Check.

Cash bar at your wedding.

Check.

Only four bridesmaids.

Check.

Poor you.

So your parents are not going to throw the $150,000 bash you always dreamed of. The bash you were entitled to. The bash you were surely promised. Instead they're offering a measly $15,000 and you can't have your dream wedding on that type of budget. Poor you! Sure, go lick your wounds for a day. But then, well then you need to recover from it and figure out that you can have a great wedding on a $15,000 budget. Whatever you do, please refrain from telling every person you see how your parents have slighted you, please don't yell and scream at them for being awful, cheap parents, please don't call off your engagement because if you can't have the wedding of your dreams you're not going to have one at all, and please, please don't try to sell your sob story to all of your vendors and ask people for handouts and discounts because while this is your wedding day, your very important, one and only wedding day, most people aren't going to have the reaction you desire. And if you cry about it a lot, they're going to judge you. And they're not going to like you very much. And some people are going to be a little jealous, even of your poor, stupid, measly $15,000 budget.

Accosted by the guestbook

Everyone likes to have nice mementos from their wedding day. That's why you hire a photographer. That's why you buy a cake knife, toasting glasses, custom made decorative garter (gag!), and your guest book.

Martha Stewart published an idea a couple of years ago that has guests writing wish notes for the couple and putting them in a cute book with multicolored envelopes. Totally cute. Of course. It's Martha Stewart, duh. So like anything and everything Martha Stewart Wedding related, this became a Hot, HotT, HOTT trend.

But this trend has brought an insurgence of the Guest Book Nazi.

The Guest Book Nazi is a position usually held by a cousin or old friend of the family who is not in the bridal party but had to be included in some way. Sometimes this person goes overboard on their own, and sometimes they are pressured by the bride to make sure that everyone has written not only a comment, but a meaningful comment, to the couple.

The GBN hunts down every attendee, encourages them to say something meaningful and won't let them leave until they have. The GBN can even be a little mean and withhold alcohol or other means of life support so essential for those dates of the bridal party who know not a single soul there and don't want to say anything. The GBN creates a line going into the reception and can (I swear to you) hold the event up for 15 minutes or more.

And for what?

75% of the comments will simply say "Best Wishes", 10% will be directed to one member of the couple making gender divided referring to the amounts of time spent primping in the morning or watching sports, 5% will refer to your sex life  (the most popular phrase: "May all your ups and downs be in the bedroom,") another 5% will be lopped off by the groom's friends who have not matured enough to simply say "Best Wishes" and will mumble beer and fraternity story induced gibberish, and that very last 5% may actually contain something unique.

But most importantly, you will probably lose your guest book within a year or two of the wedding. And scrap booking those cute notes? You probably won't get around to it anyway.

Family Hatred

If you have two family members who hate each other and have not spoken to each other in 15 years because of their toxic past, please don't seat them at the same table. It's just not going to go anywhere good.

Not engaged yet.

If you are not engaged yet, starting to plan your wedding will not make the engagement happen any more quickly. It will, however, make you very nervous and tense, and subsequently scare your future fiancee.

2009

Dear Potential 2009 Brides:
Yes, it is too early to start planning your wedding.
Signed,
Anyone and everyone who might have to listen to you talk about it for three long, long years

***

At the end of the day, a wedding that took two years of intensive planning will go just as smoothly and be just as wonderful as one that took 6-9 months of planning. Planning for two years simply extends the planning process. You have to be just as organized and just as proactive about all of your vendors in the six months preceding your wedding as a person who is planning their wedding in 6-9 months. Don't let the time frame fool you. It is no less stressful. So, save yourself and save your coworkers and family who will be tired of hearing about your wedding after only 6 months and may go crazy after 24 months, and plan a wedding in what would be considered to be a reasonable amount of time in your area.

Yes, it's true, many places do fill up quickly. You will have to be proactive and plan ahead, but if a place has a three year waiting list, it's simply goofy. Do yourself a favor and find another vendor who will happily accommodate you in less than half that time frame. They're out there. I promise.  The outer limit for reserving a place would be at 18 months, though I know it may not be possible for the top slots in Manhattan, it is perfectly acceptable nearly everywhere else.

On the topic of being a good guest

When you are invited to a function where something is happening, be it a wedding, a performance, a joust or a cockfight, if you attend, please feign interest. Do not read a book.  I'm serious. Do not bring a book to read during the ceremony, or the reception.  If it's going to be that boring, please excuse yourself.  It is extremely disrespectful to the couple. 

Of course, it's more disrespectful if you're reading The Idiot's Guide to Divorce.

Being a Good Guest

If you're going to be a guest at a wedding -- or any other occasion where someone is paying for your meal, you may not sit and sulk that you don't like* the food. Nor may you storm out of the room. Push the food around on the plate. Pretend to like it. Seem grateful. Make a PB&J sammy when you get home. Do not create a scene. Do not yell at your waiter. Do not yell at the host for being inconsiderate.

*If you have allergies, it's a different story. But even then, if you're served something you can't eat, simply decline.