Bridehood Revisited: The decline of civilization at $250 a plate

All that glitters is not gold.

Glitter hairspray is not elegant.

Glitter make up is not elegant.

Glitter body gel is not elegant.

This is not a rich, elegant look for your wedding day.

It is not nice.

It is cheap and tacky.

Now, there is a BIG difference between shimmer and glitter. A little shimmer can be just fine. If the shimmer particles are chunky or visible pieces of plastic,  applied with glue, specially marketed for nipples (for stripping, duh) or  if it's  marketed to pre-teens, it's not appropriate for any day during your adulthood, especially your wedding day, unless you are a hooker.

Don't you stick your tongue out at me!

If you have a tongue ring and you choose not to take it out on your wedding day, please don't sit during the ceremony and run the stud between your lips, no matter how much fun it may be.

Sand or grass

If you will at any point of the day need to walk gracefully over sand or grass, stilettos are not for you. They may be good for aerating the grass, but not for grace.

No, dear.

No, dear, you may not uninvite someone to your wedding for any of the following reasons:

• The person in question has a history of being severely underdressed at nice functions or just plain wears ugly clothes. (It will reflect poorly on them, not you.)
• The person in question (a friend of your fiancee) advised your fiancee to break up with you when you first started dating and you just found out. (Obviously your fiancee didn't listen and it's water under the bridge for them, you need to move past it.)
• You have had too many people RSVP and now they all can't fit. (You should have taken this into consideration.)
• They accidentally drove over your cat a week before the wedding and despite the fact that they're being extremely apologetic and trying to do everything to make you feel better, you're still pissed.
• She just got engaged and you don't want her stealing your ideas. (Get over yourself.)
• He's deathly allergic to shellfish and requested a vegetarian option instead of the seafood medly. (99.99999995% of vendors have no problem accommodating this since most are generally opposed to killing people. Liability, you know.)
• They gave you a shitty gift that wasn't on your registry. (Get over yourself.)
• They gave you money and it's not even the amount of a single meal. (Being a guest is not the equivalent of paying for their meal.)
• They looked at you will horror when you honestly said your wedding colors are blush and bashful.
• They're actually bringing a guest when you only put guest on as a courtesy and certainly didn't mean it. (You should have planned for this, and yes, you should always invite a guest, but that's an entirely different post.)
• They like the Mets.

You may uninvite someone (my goodness that just sounds so very harsh) only in the most extreme circumstances:

• Your best friend finally  left that awful son-of-a-bitch who cheated on her . He need not attend. (But even if he is an awful SOB and she's still married to him, you have to invite him. Don't punish her.)
• They try to seduce your fiancee while you're engaged. Not just simple flirting, people do that innocently, I'm talking completely coming on to him. They obviously have no respect for the sanctity of your marriage and have no reason to attend.
• They pose a threat to you or your family members.

How sad.

Continually threatening to cancel your wedding and call off the engagement everytime you don't get your way is generally an ineffective and unhealthy method of conflict resolution.

Decisions, decisions

As a woman we have the option of taking our husband's last name. I think there are benefits to taking it or leaving it and feel very strongly that it is a personal decision. But what is important is that this decision needs to be made, and set in stone before the big day. Because when that big day rolls around and you haev been 100% certain for months that you are taking your husband's name, he will not be happy when you change your mind seconds before you're about to be introduced as a couple. Really, he will not be happy. Trust me.

Ouch.

I know the vision: a beautiful, romantic candle lit placecard table welcoming and wowing your guests.

Yes, I see it sitting this. The candle light creating a nice warm glow. This is a look you've created by having placecards attached to individual votive candles, or maybe you've written the seating arrangements directly on the glass votive holder and then had them lit in time to welcome your guests.

Oh this vision is lovely. I totally see it. The warmth, the glow, the beauty. Why don't we set up a practice table. Let's write your name on the glass votive holder and let it sit there for 45 minutes. Awww, pretty and glowy and warm.

Now let's pick it up and carry it to your table.

Aww, warm. And burny.

Wait. wait, go back. You have to be dressed nicely and in front of lots of people before you pick it up.

Okay, now pick it up again. Burny. Now try to hold it gingerly so it doesn't look like it hurts as much as it does, blow out the flame and continue on, but wait, you trip and now the hot wax spills out all over your hand and you're in public and you can't scream SHIT! out at the top of your lungs like you might really, really want to.

Now see? Wasn't that nice? Now let's return all of those votives and pick up some nice paper placecards (though I really do mean escort cards).

how much is too much?

Money will undoubtedly be one of the biggest stressors of planning your wedding. Whether you have a $5,000 budget, a $50,000 budget or even a $500,000 (I know!) budget, you will argue over money with someone. Somehow it will seem like whatever you have to spend is not enough.

The key to spending your money is that you have to balance it between all costs of your wedding. If your budget is $5,000, it wouldn't be wise to wear a $5,000 Reem Acra gown and pick up two litres of Pepsi and a package of Oreos to feed your guests. Nor would it be wise to spend $15,000 of your $50,000 on flowers and wearing both reception and ceremony gowns from Monique Lhuillier for a barbecue in the backyard. And I'm sure you can still have a lovely affair on your $500,000 budget if you choose not to spend $115,000 on lighting, $85,000 on a couture gown encrusted with Swarovski crystals hand beaded by little old ladies in nursing homes in Florida and embroidered with a custom designed family crest in gold thread and basically splurging on you and you alone while skimping on your guest meals.

If you're entertaining your guests with two litres of Pepsi and a  package of Oreos, or worse, Hydrox, you should probably consider wearing something you already own. If you're wearing Reem Acra, your guests should be fed well. Spend enough so that you love how you look and you're happy, but don't skimp on your guests -- ever.

A truly wonderful wedding can truly be had on any budget, but a wonderful wedding cannot be had on a severely bride-skewed budget. It does throw the whole day off.

All about the money

I see girls cry about money, I see families, and multiple members of said families, put themselves into extreme debt for their wedding day. I'm not talking just credit cards, I'm talking mortgages. Not mortgage, mortgages. It makes me sad. And scared. There are some people who can afford to drop $300,000 without blinking an eye on their wedding day, and there are people who can barely afford their monthly bills who are still spending $100,000+ on their weddings. The parties are grand (usually) and the day is wonderful (usually) but let me say this loud and clear: The cost of the wedding is not indicative of the success of the marriage. You can get married in a courthouse and swing by Mickey D's to split a combo meal for the two of you and have a wonderful marriage, and you can drop $1,000,000 and be divorced shortly later (a la Tori Spelling). Weddings are fun and wonderful and joyous, but the focal point of the day is on your union.