Bridehood Revisited: The decline of civilization at $250 a plate

The other sleeve to drop?

Where is the other sleeve? Why does she have a turtleneck? Is it cold? If she's cold, she should have another sleeve. Was she in a cat fight on her way to the ceremony?

Back to the Damn Flower Girls

If you know a little girl whom you would just love to have as your flower girl, have a flower girl. Do not scour the earth searching for the flower girl with just the right look. No matter who you are or who your friends are, there will be a little chime that goes off in the back of their minds when you say that you didn't choose so-and-so because she just was not cute enough. That will not be a happy chime. It will actually be more of an asshole alarm. That won't be a bridezilla moment. Bridezilla moments are temporary. It will be an asshole moment, and asshole moments reflect on you forever.

Whoring it up.

It's generally a good rule of thumb to aspire to look  more respectable than a call girl on your wedding day.

That's right, on your wedding day it's time to jump out of the pages of the Frederick's of Hollywood catalog, repress your dreams about being in Playboy, hide your nipples and get dressed. On your wedding day, you should not look like a hooker.

Unless you're Britney Spears and you need to downgrade yourself from sleazy to pestilent whore in order to lure in the man of your dreams. And, well, look at what the future holds.

No, on your wedding day, you should look nice. And not like a whore.

Act like a whore in the bedroom, if you're so inclined, but not at the altar. Or at the reception.

No no. This is not wedding wear. This is lingerie.

 

And if you have to get married during a 5 minute break from your Vegas showgirl show, please put something a little more... appropriate.

For the love of all that is good and holy, cover your vagina on your wedding day. Or any other time you're out in public.

And your nipples.

Monique Lhuillier

One of my favorite wedding dress designers is Monique Lhuillier. I love some of her dresses. Love them. I almost love them enough to make me weep to my parents and throw a bridezilla hissy fit that I need them before I've even met the man of my dreams.

Well, not really. But I love them a lot.

This dress would look amazing on me, even though it is from several years ago.

Even though this dress looks a little wide (which is while I'll never wear it) I just love it. (And yes, Amsale has a similar dress.)

And this one, well, I love it, for no reason. I just love it.

I could probably even justify 11k on this bad boy

While I love Monique Lhuillier a great deal, I only love these dresses. Her other designs? They make me sad. They make me sad because a great and wonderful designer who designed the lovely frocks above has also designed the following, which I find unflattering, not women friendly at all (hello! boobies!) and just plain depressing.

Boobies? Where are we supposed to put you? You need a place to go... At least the dress incorporates an area for a very high third nipple. A nirple.

Boobies go up, not down. UP, I say!

This one looks like it's a brides greatest nightmare, having acid poured onto their dress so it begins to disintegrate.

This one looks just like I did playing dress up with my grandmother's clothing.

This is what would happen if I needed to make an entire gown in the clearance section of AC Moore. In 20 minutes.

This is similar to how my dress would look after it had been mauled by dogs.

Monique Lhuillier, please be consistent. Please make beautiful dresses. Not the ugly ones. Please.

ABCDEFG...

Many people use the A & B list concept to mold their guest list. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit, but I can kind of understand when there are concerns about space and money. I really, really don't like it. Maybe that's just because of my neurotic fears about being on the B-List of life. Or maybe it's because there isn't a defined rule of etiquette on doing this, but it just feels wrong, and like it shouldn't be allowed. It feels remarkably selfish and bridezilla-like

But if you do it, do it, and just be quiet about it. Seriously, do not tell anyone that you're doing A and B list invites (except for your planner, caterer, etc. so they know how many guests you're planning for). When asked how many people you're inviting, don't hesitate and say, "Well, our A list has 195 folks and our B list has 93." Don't say, "Hey Jane, congratulations you've just been upgraded from the C list to the B list. We'll know the status of your A list application in about a week's time." No one will actually feel honored when you tell them that they're on the A list, they'll just feel like that's a really awkward moment.

There's no way to get around it. If you're going to invite someone, invite someone. If you have too many people, scale down the event in another way. It is your wedding and it will be wonderful and beautiful, however, it is not the Academy Awards where people are clamoring to get a seat and willing to be on a waiting list until the very last minute. If you want these people at your wedding, find a venue and figure out your budget so you will be able to invite them all.

Toes.

I hate wearing pantyhose, but I do it anyway. They are the current bane of my existence. Nothing is worse than reaching up to grab something off a high shelf and you start to feel that waistband go tumbling down. Or when you see the monstrous hole developing and you have a ceremony starting in 10 minutes, you're backup pair is black and you're wearing a navy skirt and unless it can miraculously weave a netting over your now bare calf, there's nothing your emergency supply of clear nail polish can help.

Pantyhose are evil. Plain and simple. But sometimes they're a necessary evil.

Even as a little girl when my mother taught me about pantyhose (and tried to convince me that they were wonderful and cute even though in her head she was referring to them as motherfuckers, I'm sure) there was one main rule about pantyhose: you never wear them with open-toed shoes. Never.

I know the rule has gone by the wayside a bit with designers promoting this flagrant misuse of pantyhose on the runways. But I ask you this: if you want to wear open-toed shoes, why would you confine your toesies? Seriously now. If it's that important to you to wear open-toed shoes, why on earth would you wear pantyhose? Are you featuring your brand new french tipped pedicure  and the seam of the pantyhose? Or just the pedicure? And why on earth would a person ever, ever wear open-toed shoes with reinforced toe pantyhose? I beg of you, WHY?!

Yes, there are now toeless pantyhose, which I have tried because I bought them by mistake and felt like some demented dentist was trying to floss between my toes. I can't object to toeless hose UNLESS you're wearing hose that don't match your skin tone. In this case it just looks like you're wearing a really tight cast on your leg. Or stirrup pants. Please don't do this. I have nightmares about stirrup pants...

Now, some people would wholly object to attending such a special occassion without wearing pantyhose, but I may disagree with them on this matter. You do not have to wear them. In my world, you are not allowed to wear them with open-toed shoes. Never. Ever. Ever. But also in my world, you should not have to wear such horrid things on your wedding day, you shouldn't have to feel trapped and tortured. But you can, so long as you don't wear them with open-toed shoes.

One Month.

One month ago I tried a little experiment. At the encouragement of a group  of friends, I started a blog about my feelings on all things wedding.  So I wrote and erased and wrote and erased and people showed up. And my friends pimped me out and listened to me whine not having anything to write about (they resent me e-mails I had send to them) and vent about a single mean comment left about the garter post (which really, I'm right about that and I'm comfortable with my position) and moan about feeling guilty that what I write can hurt feelings (shit happens) and squeal with delight when a Snarkywood writer linked to me (A SNARKYWOOD WRITER!).

I figured I'd give it one month, just for the free trial.

The one month trial ended yesterday.

I better figure out how this damn TypePad thing works now.

(and thank you!)

Pop. Pop. Pop.

Pop. Pop. Pop.

 

That may be your bubble popping.

 

I think Martha Stewart started the bubble trend a few years ago as a substitute for rice and bird seed. In theory, it's a very cool idea. In theory. I don't have a problem with the theory and can kind of see great pictures as a result of a bride and groom emerging through a field of bubbles, or to have their exit accented by a number of strategically placed bubbles. Now, of course, this all depends on if you are a bubble person to begin with. I am not. I personally would not like bubbles, but I see it as an alternative to being pelted with rice or bird seed. I do understand the vision.

 

But the realities of this are not so.

 

Wedding bubble wands can't hold a candle to your childhood bubblewand, which produced big, luxurious bubbles with soapy swirls and the little minibubbles on the top. They're not like that at all. They're more like the bubble necklaces that you may remember if you were a child of the 90's. The bubbles: They are puny. So puny, in fact, they're pretty much just spit. So puny that they aren't heavy enough to float and sink around you -- they'll just glide away.

Oh, and then there's the wind.

And if you do get some nice big bubbles, here's another secret, they stain. And because they're wet, when they pop on your face, they can smudge your makeup.

Half of your guests will not blow the bubbles, and if they do, it will not be coordinated enough to have the vision you want. They may also spill the solution on themselves, cursing their dry clean only special occasion dress they have to wear tomorrow as well. They may be about 5 years old and get the solution in their eyes and scream so loud you think their head might pop right off of their shoulders and makes your guests head snap so quickly they miss your exit.

And if you need another reason: the wedding bubble containers with the doves or couples or plastic daisies on them, or the ones  in the shapes of champagne glasses, wedding cakes, champagne bottles, and hearts, are a little, um... cheesy.

Skip the bubbles.

Chastity.

Your sex life is your business.

It's your business if you have one, and it's your business if you don't. If you are a couple who decides to wait until marriage to consumate your relationship, congratulations. I may not agree with you, but if that's a decision you've made together and suits you as a couple, well, congratulations. This is a private thing. Between the two of you. And maybe your higher power. It is not the business of the congregation.

The marriage ceremony should not include a ceremonial unlatching of your chastity belt. No one will go around waving the bloodied sheet off the balcony to let the town know you were pure. No one outside of the couple needs to know the status of your hymen. You will not have witness in the room to ring a bell once coitus has been achieved. No. No. No. This is a private act.  Please leave this out of your vows.

(Not to mention Jessica Simpson included this in her vows, in a ceremony her father officiated. If you're going to copy your vows from a celebrity, you should probably choose one whose marriage lasted beyond the five year mark.)

Oh poop.

Just a word of warning on having very young members of your bridal party: they poop.

Yes, I'm talking about the cute ones in diapers. Now, I'm generally against having a token child in the bridal party. Their personalities, like their bowel movements, are just too unpredictable. They fall asleep during the ceremony, refuse to go down the aisle at the last minute, throw a tantrum during the vows, start to undress themselves, run away, etc. However, they're undeniably cute and people will have them no matter what I say.

But, please? No poop.

If they are in diapers, they're too young to be in the ceremony. No matter how cute they really are, poop is not cute.  Children are cute. But poop is not. When children smell, they are not cute. The smell will distract your guests. They will not notice their wonderfully adorable outfits. They will not notice how well behaved they are. They will notice the smell.