Bridehood Revisited: The decline of civilization at $250 a plate

A gift is a gift.

Do you remember your childhood birthdays when you would sit with all of your friends surrounding you and open your presents with great anticipation of all of the cool new stuff you were going to get? And then you opened the gifts and got something you already had or something way too childish for you but you still had to eek out a weak smile and sincere sounding thank you because your mother was giving you the eye which you knew could quickly progress to the upper arm grab and throat clear?  Then afte the party you got the big talk about being grateful because the stupid gift giver who bought you the bad gift was nice enough to attend your party and give you a gift in the first place and how you shouldn't be greedy and rude? Yeah. You do. You know you do. Well guess what?  The same rules still apply to your wedding gifts!

I think it's the wedding registry that makes people forget the simple rules they were taught as kids. I know it's a fabulous convenience for both the couple and their guests.  But you can't be demanding or rude -- on either end of the equation.

Registries were originally in place to let your guests know whichchina, silver and crystal patterns to choose from, and to let them know what had already been purchased. But the more recent phenomenon where couples can go to Target and basically register for everything from personal care items to garden utensils seems to be leading to rampant registry abuse.

Yes, registry abuse.

So maybe it will help if I review how the age old rules about receiving gifts still apply.

1. You're still not allowed to ask for gifts. This means you don't put registry information in with the engraved invitation to your wedding. You wait to be asked by your guests if you have a registry. No buts. No exceptions. It has been and always will be rude to imply that a gift is expected in exchange for an invitation.

2. You never ask for money. It's great if the give it. We all love it. But we are all forbidden from asking for it. No exceptions.

3. You must be gracious and grateful about ALL the gifts you receive, whether you like them or not. This means you do not have the right to be insulted if someone buys you something that's not on your registry. Maybe they don't have internet access or one of the stores you registered at nearby. Maybe they wanted to give you somethingmore meaningful.  Maybe they wanted to give you something they thought was lovely and they were sure you would enjoy. Heck, maybe they justdon't like your taste! But whatever their motivation, they are entitled to use your registry or not. Get over it.

4. There is no requirement that your guests must make it as easy as possible for you to reject their gift and return it.  Your mom may not mind if you return her birthday gift to you but you can't count on the same level of indulgence from friends and more distant relations. What that means is that you don't get to complain if a gift doesn't come with a gift receipt. Gift receipts are a nice convenience but you are not entitled to one. Besides, most people put a lot of thought and care into wedding gifts.  So it sends a bit of a mixed message to include a gift receipt which suggests the giver thinks the couple will hate it and return it.  It almost feels like, "just think of this as a temporary gift until you ditch this hateful thing and buy something you like more." Honestly, if you're that insecure about your gift choices, write or check or give a gift certificate!

5. Accept the fact that you are going to receive some absurd gifts. It's practically a rule.  Not everyone can have taste as good as yours right? So try to remember that even the most stupid gift was probably given out of someone's generosity and for that you need to be grateful. I'm not saying that you can't laugh hysterically in private with your friends over the handpainted panda toilet seat your psycho Aunt Edna gave you. No one is shooting for sainthood here! But you
can't insult the giver.  So when you see Aunt Edna, you have to gush appropriately - even if it requires Academy Award level acting skills.  Besides, look at the bright side, at the very least it will be an interesting conversation piece for years to come.  Or, in the alternative, you just know there is an ebay buyer out there somewhere who has an obsession with all things panda.

Flower whores? No. I don't think so.

There's nothing cuter or sweeter than little girls -- and that's why we choose them to be flower girls, right?  So the flower girl attire should emphasize that cuteness and sweetness and innocence.  It should not be designed to emphasize non-existent cleavage.  For the record, little girls don't have boobies and are not supposed to have boobies. So why am I seeing flower girl dresses with halter tops and corsets? It's bad enough to see shopping malls full of prematurely sexualized pre-teenagers dressed in clothes better suited for a street corner at 2 a.m. Now we have 3, 4 and 5 year-olds walking down the aisle wearing smaller versions of wedding gowns that seemed designed to show off bust-lines that won't put in an appearance for another 8 to 10 years. Creepy! Not to mention it's kind of confusing to have a mini-me bride running around during the wedding.  Here's a word of fashion advice that cannot steer you wrong when it comes to flower girls:  Picture the warddrobe of the Olsen twins early in their career. That's right. It may be retrodated fashion from 1988, but that's the kind of sweet little dress you want adorning your charming niece as she scatters petals on the runner before you. The look should be innocent, not sexy.  You want you guests to say, "Awwwww!" not, "Huh?"
This is not cute:

This is cute:

Not cute:

Very cute:

 

Please?

You may not ask a bridal party member to lose weight, cut/dye their hair, or get a tan. You picked this person to be in your wedding because they are close to you. Because they are good friends. Because you love them. Because you want them to be there on your special day. Their appearance is a nonissue – especially since they're already wearing a dress of your choice. Asking for more permanent changes in appearance doesn't just make you a bridezilla, it makes you a fucking bitch.

Beast!

Apparently when you post things on a blog, you can hear some really bad things in return. The other day, I got an e-mail about the Cinderella post. It was very disheartening. It read, "Did you know they have Beauty and the Beast themed weddings too?"

What the hell?!

It makes me so sad. And a tad bit skeptical of everyone I meet. You never know when you might encounter someone who would have a Beauty and the Beast themed wedding. I wish they would have a warning system for that type of thing.  There are just some people I have no desire to fraternize with, ya know?

But still. A Beauty and the Beast themed wedding? Ugh.

I've written this post multiple times, but it took me about six tries and two glasses of wine to stop sputtering the expletives.

WHAT THE HELL?!

What kind of  dysfunctional relationship do you have to have to identify with Beauty and the Beast? As if the whole Cinderella, "I'm just a poor defenseless waif waiting for some Prince to make my life worthwhile" thing isn't bad enough.  Now we get the flip side and it's "I'm just this pathetic barbarian who finally found a woman to civilize me."  Kind of adds a whole new layer of mean spiritedness and narcissism doesn't it?  I mean, think about it.  The Beauty and the Beast theme kind of screams," Look at Me, I'm a Princess! Oh, yeah, and the groom?"

Yeah, yeah, the point is that she gets to become a princess. Whatever.  Fantasy is fantasy but there's a limit.  One wedding does not a princess make.  It will not give you the power to turn a beast into a
man or a frog into a prince. Face it, you probably won't even be able to train him to put the toilet seat down. Or buy you feminine products. More importantly, its just plain mean to make it sound like your future spouse is a beast or a frog.  And your future spouse? Well, he's a pussy if he thinks it's okay. Or maybe he's a masochist, but do you really want to give your wedding guests that much information about your sex life? Please folks, leave your Beauty and the Beast skit for the bedroom. It has no place
at your wedding.

Oh. No.

This heavy little frock should only be worn if you're giving out X-Rays as favors. Or if you're Katie Holmes and you want to protect the baby from the radiation exposure when the spaceship lands. 'Cause spaceships bring radiation. Of course they do.

(image courtesy of nymag.com)

Sausage.

No matter how much you may love sausage, you probably don't aspire to look like one on your wedding day. But I'm seeing a lot of sausages walk down the aisle. Many beautiful, healthy women crammed  into the dreaded and ubiquitous strapless white gown.  I know.  I know.  The white, strapless dress is the "in" thing right now, but cocaine was the "in" thing in the 80s and that wasn't very good for people either.  Don't give in to the peer pressure. Just say no!

Look, unless you plan on winning an Emmy, you'll probably have just one occasion in life to wear a beautiful white gown. So pick a gown that looks good on you! And the strapless gown is just not that flattering for most figure types. In fact, very few women, even the tallest and slimmest among us, can actually pull that look off. For most people it just makes you look short and stout, minus the handle and spout. And don't even think about that kind of dress if you are a full-figured gal -- there are so many better options. So please, for the love of God and the sake of your wedding pictures to be viewed by generations to come, when trying on dresses, please try on something that's not strapless. Have an open mind, look for a dress that flatters you, not necessarily for one that looks gorgeous on some waif model in a magazine. You'll thank me.

But you're still sighing over the latest Vera Wang/Reem Acra/Monique Lhuillier in your wedding magazine? Fine. I'll spell it out for you. The problem with the strapless gown is that all of the detail is horizontal - so it emphasizes width, not length. Take a piece of paper. Draw a line from one side to the other. Then look at a magazine, read a book or some phenomenal blog and then look back at the paper. What is your eye drawn to? The line. When you wear something strapless you're immediately attracting attention to your width. But a v-neck and sleeves -- that will draw the eye all the way down the body, not across. Down makes you looktall and skinny, across makes you look short and stout, with your height lost in the balance.

Still don't believe me?  Well then picture this. You know how when you cook good sausage that you had to cut at the links it plumps on the ends and the casing retreats a bit?  Not a bad look for a piece of luscious pork sausage.  But that's not a flattering fit for a human being. You know your boobies? They need to go inside the dress - every last bit. Your back fat needs to be contained as well. When a strapless dress (and you know, for that matter, anything strapless) isworn, in order for it to cover your nipples, it needs to be the one in charge of your boobs.  But if it needs to push anything out of the way in order to get control over the boobies, specifically that underarm fat thing attached to my boobs that I can't get rid of and have no idea what it's called so I'll call it arm-boob, then you get the squished out the top sausage look. Not pretty.

Still need convincing?  Look at this gorgeous model. She probably has a figure most women can never, ever aspire to. (Translation: itsy, bitsy, skinny wench.)  And yet even she looks bad in this dress.  It cuts her off and makes her look far wider than she probably is. Now, the waist is definitely a problem here, but having the line drawn across her chest doesn't help.

(image courtesy of nymag.com)

Here's another model done in by the strapless white gown -- so very skinny and sweet but check out the arm-boob action happening. This is bad. She has arm-boob and she's already jutting her chest out. Do you want to jut your chest out all day long? I didn't think so.

 

(image courtesy of David's Bridal)

Please don't look like sausage on your wedding day.

Unless you're marrying scrambled eggs.

Or peppers and onions.

In an alternate universe...

From: Tom Collins, Jr.  <Groom2b@gmail.com>
Date: Mar 16, 2006 7:27 PM
Subject: I can't take it anymore.
To: Tom Collins, Sr.

Dad,
Thanks for coming to my fitting this morning. I'm sorry I cried like I did, but I couldn't help it. The shoulders completely overpower my pecs. I've spent so much time building them up so I can look perfect that I don't know what overcame me. Hopefully the gods at Brooks Brothers will be able to help me out. I've had it with the wedding planning. I can't do it anymore. I'm trying to make everything perfect, like we've always dreamed. How did you pull it off? Heather and I are fighting like crazy and I don't know that I'm going to be able to make it to the wedding.

Right now she's angry that I returned my engagement cufflinks. I don't know why. I'm the one who has to wear them for the rest of my life. She told me that I could exchange them if I didn't like them and now she's insulted. It's not that the ones she chose were bad, I just wanted something a little different. It's not a big deal.

I can't get her to participate in any of the planning. It's like she doesn't care about anything, especially the details. She keeps telling me that it's going to be perfect and just to relax, but everyone knows that the wedding is made in the details. I was assembling the invitations last night and she couldn't pull herself away from Grey's Anatomy to help me. It was so frustrating.

Now she's going to her bachelorette party this weekend and I just don't approve. I mean, I trust her but I just don't trust her friends. They're taking her out and being rowdy and cavorting with other men while being drunk? I can't approve. What if she goes to a strip club? She knows I don't believe in them. What if she wears all of that erotic penis paraphernalia? Ugh. It's just so degrading to men. I don't understand why she'd do that to me.

We went to our cake tasting yesterday and now she's being unreasonable. She says that we should pay more attention to flavor than the look of the cake and wants a chocolate cake. A chocolate wedding cake. Can you imagine? She only had one decision to make this entire wedding and that was the flavor of the cake, I'm picking out the look for everything and now she's being a total brat. I've always dreamed of a white wedding cake. Why can't she just understand that? No one has a chocolate wedding cake. Ew.

Even though we agreed on a green theme to honor the Eagles, she's starting to balk. We agreed on this months ago. I've already made so many plans and arrangements. Doesn't she realize how much work this takes? I'm trying to make it perfect for us. We chose the Eagles because I've always been a Philly fan. It was an easy choice and she never had a problem with it before. Now she thinks it's just a bit too masculine. Can you believe her? I'm the groom! It's my day! I have searched high and low to find a tie in the perfect shade of green and I even had a section of my jersey from high school sewn into the lining. The centerpieces are white roses, ivy and footballs. It's going to be gorgeous.

And then we have my groomsmen. I know it's a lot to ask of them, but would they please hurry up and throw my shower soon? I'm beginning to worry that they're forgetting about it. Can you believe that I sent them information on how to tie a double Windsor knot two weeks ago and not one of them has bothered to learn the difference? I saw John yesterday wearing a bad example of a half Windsor. What if he looks like that for my wedding? He'll be in all of the pictures and he'll ruin them. Ugh.

So after we went to lunch I met up with my local web board groom's group at Home Depot to commiserate about planning. It seems like all of our fiancees are driving us crazy lately. One guy's fiancee is refusing to register at Home Depot or Lowe's because she thinks that they'll end up with too many power tools and she doesn't want them to take over the house and make it too masculine. Can you freaking imagine? Was mom like this when you were planning your wedding? I just can't help but be frustrated. On the morning of the wedding she plans on lying out at the pool with her girls while I'm in the suite trying to get ready. Doesn't she realize how easy it is for her? She has so much hair that if one is out of place, it won't matter. If I don't gel my hair perfectly, one swift wind and I'll look like Alfalfa. If I get a zit the morning of the wedding, it will be in our pictures for eternity. She can just put make up on. If she nicks her legs while shaving, no one will know. She can be careless. I wish I could be careless. If I nick my face while shaving, everyone there will know.

I talked to the bandleader this morning and they still have not learned my high school fight song even though they said it wouldn't be a problem. Don't they realize how important this day is to me? I only get to be a groom once. The song is so special to me. I lettered in high school. Don't they get that?

The reception site says they can't get the special microbrew from the brewery in CO where Heather proposed. Obviously this is a big mistake on their part.

And Heather is now insisting on a fish option. She knows I hate fish. I don't want to look at fish on my wedding day. She had her trial hair appointment and is now insisting on wearing it up. It's stupid because it totally goes against the relaxed feel of the wedding. Why can't she just respect that as a groom, I just know about these things and listen to me?

I got my trial boutonniere today and I'm just not sure that it's what I want. I think it overpowers my lapel and I worry about it clashing with the tie. I've attached the picture. Tell me what you think.

I have to run to assemble the "Tears of Joy" packets. Heather thinks they're stupid, but what does a woman know about planning a wedding. Anyway, let me know what you think of the boutonniere. Oh, and don't forget that you still need to go to the hairstylist for your trial hair.

Thanks,
Tom

Just Say No.

rJust say no to the garter toss, just like you said no to drugs in fifth grade. It’s bad for you. Wear a garter and let your husband take it off in the privacy of your bridal suite. In front of your guests? No. In front of chanting and cheering guests to sleazy porno music? Never, ever, ever.

A garter is supposed to hold your pantyhose up near your hooha and now you're chucking it to a random single man? Ew. On any day other than your wedding day you would be considered a major freak. Major freak.

Yeah, it’s a tradition, but traditions can die, it’s okay. People don’t sacrifice their young any more. We can let this go too.

It brings no luck. None. It’s never a sign of impending marriage. There are plenty of people who have caught the garter/bouquet multiple times and it has not helped them. Give it up. Let it go. It’s gross and tacky.

It's humiliating for all of your unmarried friends. What if only one guys stands up? I'm sure that  makes his self-esteem skyrocket.

It’s humiliating for you.  People are cheering because your husband has his hands up your dress? That’s supposed to be done in private, people. Private!

Let it go. Please.

Registries

I have mixed feelings on registries to begin with. I know they're necessary to prevent inundations of fondue pots, crock pots, stew pots, and hideous tchotchkes like Precious Moments figurines from relatives you didn't want to invite to your wedding anyway. I just can't get over a feeling of "come to my wedding and pick an item off of this extensive and very expensive menu of gifts to bestow upon me." I'm probably in the minority here, but that's okay.

There is a limit to what is appropriate to put on a registry. That should be remembered as you're skipping down the aisles of Target with the registry scanner in your hand. Have some boundaries. Just because Target has it does not mean that you need to register for it.

-Do not, and I repeat, do NOT register for a toilet plunger. Pooping, my friends, is not a group effort. We share the joys and sorrows of our lives with our friends, but we do not need to share the intricacies of our bathroom habits with anyone.

-Do not register for condoms. Birth control, my friends, is not a group effort. If you are incapable of purchasing birth control on your own, please do not waste money on a wedding.

-Don't register for personal health care items. Menstruation, headaches, underarm odor, colds and the flu do not require group management. Handle that on your own time and your own dime.

Why am I pointing this out? People really do register for this stuff. Really. I know. I know...

 

What beautiful underclothes you have, my dear...

On your wedding day, you're most likely be wearing the most expensive outfit of your life. It's only right to purchase amazing undergarments that are comfortable and know just the right areas to squish and squash. Isn't the picture lovely? Beautiful hand detailed? Perfect boning, squishing and lifting. All very lovely. But this, my friends, is not underclothing. This is a dress. A nearly $19,000 wedding dress.

Someone spent 19 grand on this dress to look like they were wearing their underwear.

(image courtesy of nymag.com)