In an alternate universe...

From: Tom Collins, Jr.  <Groom2b@gmail.com>
Date: Mar 16, 2006 7:27 PM
Subject: I can't take it anymore.
To: Tom Collins, Sr.

Dad,
Thanks for coming to my fitting this morning. I'm sorry I cried like I did, but I couldn't help it. The shoulders completely overpower my pecs. I've spent so much time building them up so I can look perfect that I don't know what overcame me. Hopefully the gods at Brooks Brothers will be able to help me out. I've had it with the wedding planning. I can't do it anymore. I'm trying to make everything perfect, like we've always dreamed. How did you pull it off? Heather and I are fighting like crazy and I don't know that I'm going to be able to make it to the wedding.

Right now she's angry that I returned my engagement cufflinks. I don't know why. I'm the one who has to wear them for the rest of my life. She told me that I could exchange them if I didn't like them and now she's insulted. It's not that the ones she chose were bad, I just wanted something a little different. It's not a big deal.

I can't get her to participate in any of the planning. It's like she doesn't care about anything, especially the details. She keeps telling me that it's going to be perfect and just to relax, but everyone knows that the wedding is made in the details. I was assembling the invitations last night and she couldn't pull herself away from Grey's Anatomy to help me. It was so frustrating.

Now she's going to her bachelorette party this weekend and I just don't approve. I mean, I trust her but I just don't trust her friends. They're taking her out and being rowdy and cavorting with other men while being drunk? I can't approve. What if she goes to a strip club? She knows I don't believe in them. What if she wears all of that erotic penis paraphernalia? Ugh. It's just so degrading to men. I don't understand why she'd do that to me.

We went to our cake tasting yesterday and now she's being unreasonable. She says that we should pay more attention to flavor than the look of the cake and wants a chocolate cake. A chocolate wedding cake. Can you imagine? She only had one decision to make this entire wedding and that was the flavor of the cake, I'm picking out the look for everything and now she's being a total brat. I've always dreamed of a white wedding cake. Why can't she just understand that? No one has a chocolate wedding cake. Ew.

Even though we agreed on a green theme to honor the Eagles, she's starting to balk. We agreed on this months ago. I've already made so many plans and arrangements. Doesn't she realize how much work this takes? I'm trying to make it perfect for us. We chose the Eagles because I've always been a Philly fan. It was an easy choice and she never had a problem with it before. Now she thinks it's just a bit too masculine. Can you believe her? I'm the groom! It's my day! I have searched high and low to find a tie in the perfect shade of green and I even had a section of my jersey from high school sewn into the lining. The centerpieces are white roses, ivy and footballs. It's going to be gorgeous.

And then we have my groomsmen. I know it's a lot to ask of them, but would they please hurry up and throw my shower soon? I'm beginning to worry that they're forgetting about it. Can you believe that I sent them information on how to tie a double Windsor knot two weeks ago and not one of them has bothered to learn the difference? I saw John yesterday wearing a bad example of a half Windsor. What if he looks like that for my wedding? He'll be in all of the pictures and he'll ruin them. Ugh.

So after we went to lunch I met up with my local web board groom's group at Home Depot to commiserate about planning. It seems like all of our fiancees are driving us crazy lately. One guy's fiancee is refusing to register at Home Depot or Lowe's because she thinks that they'll end up with too many power tools and she doesn't want them to take over the house and make it too masculine. Can you freaking imagine? Was mom like this when you were planning your wedding? I just can't help but be frustrated. On the morning of the wedding she plans on lying out at the pool with her girls while I'm in the suite trying to get ready. Doesn't she realize how easy it is for her? She has so much hair that if one is out of place, it won't matter. If I don't gel my hair perfectly, one swift wind and I'll look like Alfalfa. If I get a zit the morning of the wedding, it will be in our pictures for eternity. She can just put make up on. If she nicks her legs while shaving, no one will know. She can be careless. I wish I could be careless. If I nick my face while shaving, everyone there will know.

I talked to the bandleader this morning and they still have not learned my high school fight song even though they said it wouldn't be a problem. Don't they realize how important this day is to me? I only get to be a groom once. The song is so special to me. I lettered in high school. Don't they get that?

The reception site says they can't get the special microbrew from the brewery in CO where Heather proposed. Obviously this is a big mistake on their part.

And Heather is now insisting on a fish option. She knows I hate fish. I don't want to look at fish on my wedding day. She had her trial hair appointment and is now insisting on wearing it up. It's stupid because it totally goes against the relaxed feel of the wedding. Why can't she just respect that as a groom, I just know about these things and listen to me?

I got my trial boutonniere today and I'm just not sure that it's what I want. I think it overpowers my lapel and I worry about it clashing with the tie. I've attached the picture. Tell me what you think.

I have to run to assemble the "Tears of Joy" packets. Heather thinks they're stupid, but what does a woman know about planning a wedding. Anyway, let me know what you think of the boutonniere. Oh, and don't forget that you still need to go to the hairstylist for your trial hair.

Thanks,
Tom

Comments

[Tricia]

I think I'm dying. I'm seriously hyperventilating. This is the funniest thing I have ever read - I think I have to send this off to every woman I know.

You are wicked funny, girl!

[Paloma]

That is just brilliant. I am sending it to every GUY I know who has put up with a bridezilla in the throes of planning her wedding, including my own husband!

[Monica]

You know, it so funny it's sad.

There was something in the Wall Street Journal a few years back about "groomzillas" -- and I think you may have just captured them.

[Tiffer]

My house is a wedding venue on the weekends. And you have perfectly captured the spirit of the bridezilla. Or, in this case, the groomzilla. Thank God for humor.

[Bridehood]

Thanks everyone! I think I may turn the groom and his father into a regular fixture on the blog. Stay tuned!