Bridehood Revisited: The decline of civilization at $250 a plate

Because some things are just wrong...

In honor of Operation Pink Herring's engagement, here is a photoset of dresses that I'm personally opposed to.  My reasons are listed, though they didn't need to be.

Enjoy!

Responding to top search terms

I see some search terms pop up all of the time on my statcounter page (sitemeter doesn't always get them, I don't know why) so I've collected some of the best ones and I'm going to address them all here. You know, since I blog here. Sometimes. I may also blog here.

"How to turn my fiance on"
I've addressed this issue before. I have no idea why it continues to pop up. Okay, sure, I do have a topic dedicated to it, I'm just more concerned that people need this. FYI, you turn your fiance on the way you turn anyone on. Now, I'm not really an expert in that area, but lots of people are on the net. This is definitely not where you want to be.

"strapless dress back fat/arm rolls/pit tit/boob rolls"
Yes, if you have fat of any sort and you wrap half of it tightly, the fat will blossom like a mushroom cloud over your dress. This is never pretty. It happens to the thinnest people out there. Like Sarah Jessica Parker. If your outfit displaces fat in a way where you can still see the fat, it does not fit your body correctly. I don't care how pretty it is. If it doesn't fit you, that's what your guests will notice.

"I don't like my engagement ring"
I understand, and then I don't. It is a piece of jewelry that you're going to wear every day of your life, and if it's not you, well, that's tough. I do not, in any way, shape or form, believe that engagement rings should come with a gift receipt. While it may not be you, if he picked it out himself and thought it was perfect for you, that's what counts. It may not be the prettiest thing on the block, but it's one of the most meaningful things you'll ever own. I hope it endears itself to you.

I also have zero sympathy for anyone complaining their ring is too small. Zero. If you're upset because you're disappointed in the size of your ring, tough shit. You might glance and think, "Oh." But that's as far as it should go. If you throw a fit and demand something bigger? Well, you're being a gigantic bitch.

(I actually had a whole thing written out about being disappointed but I erased it because seriously, just a gigantic bitch.)

"How to get him to propose"
Forcing, cajoling, giving an ultimatum, etc. are definitely great ways to start a life together. (Please, please sense the sarcasm...) If you two have talked marriage, and you know he will marry you one day, he will. You can ask for a general timeline, like in a year or two years. Constantly asking, obsessing with your girlfriends, secretly planning on theknot, and so on and so forth will only hold proceedings up because you're demonstrating The Crazy. Other people aren't so fond of your Crazy, and it's especially not endearing to someone who is going to be stuck with it for the rest of their mortal life (or eternity, depending on your beliefs). Stop obsessing now and get a hobby, because after you get engaged and plan a wedding, well, you're going to have some free time on your hands, and you probably won't want to be obsessing about whether or not you pushed him too hard, if he really wanted to ask or if he just felt pressured to and is now unhappy, will you?

"How to uninvite someone/fire a bridesmaid"
You may not uninvite someone. End of story. This is probably the most popular question I see. Invitations are sent between six and 12 weeks in advance, how much could things have changed leaving the other person still wanting to attend your wedding? This is one of those times when you just have to suck it up because there is no way for you not to be rude and it will just create unnecessary drama for everyone involved.

As for bridesmaids, I find this to be very perplexing. People have dramatically different ideas of what bridesmaids are. Some people want the people they love most to be standing next to them, others use this as a popularity contest and want foot servants. Guess which philosophy I ascribe to? If a bridesmaid isn't living up to her duties and you're pissed, suck it up. My guess is she isn't liking you too much either.

Now, if she tried to sleep with your fiance, and oh dear god, why would you have friends like that, then you may uninvite her. Barring that, you made this decision and you're stuck with her.

Note to my best friends: I love you all, but you're going to carry parasols because I think it's funny.

Note to everyone else: My best friends are rolling their eyes. And they might be flipping the computer screen off.    

(Oh, I have another post idea all lined up in my head about bridesmaid expectations now. Maybe we'll have another post for Christmas!)

Questions I don't know the answers to

In reference to the last post, ye of the God Awful Fuggy Fuggy EXTREME (G.A.F.F.E.) there have been many questions asked. I will post them here and explain just why I can't answer them.

• Didn't they feel like they were committing murder when they cut the cake?
  • I can only assume that a person so devoid of taste is already dead inside.
• What about the caterer?
  • I would bet good money that members of the catering staff have pictures posed with knives ready to bludgeon.
    • I totally would have.
• Was it red velvet inside?
  
  • Honestly, would it surprise anyone?
    • Nah, chances are that a person so self-centered as to have a cake statue created probably has very specific taste, uh, standards, and the cake had some ridiculous and inedible flavoring, thus creeping out her guests further.
      • Flavors may include, but are certainly not limited to:
        • Onion
        • Sour cream and chives
        • Jalapeno
        • Dead kittens
• What would you do if you were served a piece of arm pit, or crotch?
  • Yeah, so I wouldn't eat this cake
    • I'd miss this course because I'd be outside sending the picture to everyone I knew via camera phone.
• Is there a DSM diagnosis for this?
  • Several, I'm sure.
• Ew, her real dress was UG-LEE.
  • Really, we're surprised that she has taste issues?
• OMG, what if you were served an eyeball?
  • So, first, ew.
  • Okay, so the head is actually a polymer clay
    
    • Yes, that would make this baby a keepsake
      • Maybe it's for their mantel
      • To freak people right the fuck out
      • To permanently damage the psyches of small children (Much like Star Jones)
• Doesn't it make you think of it like a perverse sequel to that American Pie, well, Pie scene?
  • Not until now.

Speechless.

There have been very few occasions in life where I've been rendered speechless. If it's something bad or sad, I cry. If it's something so horrendous that most people are speechless I'm always able to crack a joke. Always. At inappropriate times, as well.

But this. Well. I think I'm speechless because I have no idea where the hell to even begin.

image from theybf (they have additional horrifying images there. Horrifying.)

found via baking bites (I seriously thought she was going to post a picture of something yummy, like cookies. Now my retinas need to be scraped. It's okay though, because I know she'll post pictures of cookies and cakes later.)

Kids. Weddings. Mayhem.

Some weddings are great with kids, some weddings are great without kids. It is up to the couple to decide which they want.

It totally depends on their personality and the tone of the wedding.

Kids do add a certain amount of fun and whimsy to weddings. They also add a certain amount of stress. If the couple is laid back and can't wait to see what interesting thing their flower girl is going to do because she's definitely not going to walk down the aisle and toss the flowers properly, it's great. But if you're really expecting that things are going to be perfect? Uh, it's not going to be. The flower girl or the ring bearer is going to cry and refuse to go down the aisle, or decide that the flowers are messy and pick them up, or want to keep all of the pink flowers and people are going to be stressed out and that never ends well.

So, how do you handle the kids vs. no kids thing?

My answer is to go with your gut.

If your gut is telling you not to have kids at the wedding, don’t. People will be upset. Expect this.

If you’re having a destination wedding offer information on a babysitting agency that has babysitters who have criminal background checks and CPR certification, or if the wedding is local, get referrals from family and friends you can recommend to out of towners.

Another option is to throw a kids party. Hire a number of sitters, and throw a party for the kids, in a separate area from the reception. Their parents can go see them, but the kids are off doing something that’s more fun.

But what if you’re offended that kids aren’t invited?

Now, it may not be convenient to not bring the kids to the wedding. Perhaps a sitter cannot be found, or the wedding is out of town and you can’t justify a trip when the entirely family can’t go. Unfortunately, it happens.  I've recently missed the weddings of two good friends because of a family emergency and a business trip. It sucks, but it's life. Do not be angry with the couple. It's like being angry about the date of their wedding. It is okay to be bummed that it doesn’t work out for you, though.

Why if you simply cannot comprehend that the couple doesn’t want children there? Your children are a part of you and you travel as a whole and you don’t understand how someone could not see this.

Well, there are many reasons for not inviting children.

It is completely impossible to invite only some children unless they're the children of the couple or children in the bridal party. You cannot pick and choose.

Inviting children is a very slippery slope because everyone has one relative with obnoxious children who should never, ever, ever be in public. Ever. I can say this because I have actually witnessed, on multiple occasions, children literally causing physical property damage or being extremely disruptive to a wedding, like setting something on fire, completely clearing a head table, break dancing on the dance floor during toasts, etc.

The bridal couples in all instances (and some are so specific and awful I can't list them here) were mortified. That's not what they need on their wedding day.

There are other factors. Kids can dramatically inflate a guest count. For example, the couple has to invite their cousins, Kathy and Dan, but Kathy and Dan have seven children. Seven. That's seven more mouths to feed, plus one additional table and one additional centerpiece. If you invite Kathy's siblings, Diane and Martha, and their combined four children, you have to invite Kathy's seven. Yes, technically Kathy's children are your family too, but you've never met them. You grew up with Kathy and were close then and you went to her wedding. The cost of inviting all of the children is daunting.

Some people assume (even if they are doing so wrongly) that they want to see their friends and family for a night out on the town without the kids so they can enjoy themselves and have fun and party the night away.

Some venues have restrictions on children. Now, I'm not saying your children are any thing but lovely, but other people? Their kids are bad.

Some people feel very strongly that kids should not be at formal evening weddings that go late into the night.

Some people don't want it to be about kids. It’s the difference between the people who laugh when the baby shrieks in happiness during a silent time and the people who glare. It’s not that they don’t love children in general, but there are moments when they really don’t like them.

There are some people who like their own kids, but don’t like others.

Some people realize that pre-teens and teenagers are dreadfully bored at family weddings. (They are. They hate it. They hate all of their old aunts and uncles, they’re slouched in their chairs trying to txt without being totally obvious and hoping they can sneak some booze.)

Some people feel that there are places that just aren’t for children: a university library, an operating room, exquisite French restaurants and weddings, and that in these situations children are loud, underfoot and totally out of place

Some people just make a decision that they feel is right for them and their situation.

At the end of the day it is the couple's choice. I'm endlessly amazed at the reaction of family and friends to these decisions. The lack of tact and carelessness involved is truly astounding. I've seen people show up with their kids anyway thinking that if they were there, the kids wouldn’t be refused. I've seen people issue the bride an ultimatum at the rehearsal dinner that the kids must come, have bridesmaid drop out, have a letter written to the couple explicitly stating why it will be an awful marriage if they don’t love children, and other things.

It's funny that people are so offended by not having their kids invited, by the atrocity of it, and yet, it's acceptable that they behave atrociously themselves.

Please respect the decision of the bride and groom. Simply check that you are unable to attend. Only tell them why if you are asked.

Blush and Bashful Can Bite Me.

Dear Pretty Pretty Pink Princess,

I do not like you.

But congrats on your recent nuptials. Yay you. You've been waiting a long time to have a wedding of your dreams. Probably since you were five. Now, if you're old enough to get married now, you probably weren't into the Disney Princesses when you were younger, therefore, it's really not acceptable for you to be enamored with them. 'Kay? The "I want everything to be pink!" phase of your life should be long over. As you grow, your tastes should evolve beyond the pink pink pink. Really. We all like accents of pink here and there (except for one of my college roommates who insisted that pink was evil and for a short period of time my freshman year made me strongly consider redecorating my side of the room in a Barbie theme, but anyway...) (Hi, G! Love you! Miss you lots!)

I'm not quite sure why there are no great pictures of the grand Blush and Bashful affair from Steel Magnolias that are easy to find on the web. There probably are and I'm lazy and gave up too easily, but let's get this one thing clear. Pink is pink. Many people like to have pink accents at their weddings. Pink and orange. Pink and Green. Pink and Brown. Pink and Blue. Now, some are fine. Pink and blue reminds everyone of a baby shower and makes them wonder why you're a slut and when you are due.  Pink and pink and pink? Ugh.

All pinks are not created equal. All pinks do not accentuate each other. Pink pink pink? Well, if you were walking down the street wearing pink pants, a pink shirt, a pink headband, pink socks and shoes, a pink watch and carrying a pink purse you would look stupid. I would make fun of you. Lots of other people would too. Trust me. I know and love those people. They read this blog. In fact, they're judging you right now. So, are we clear that aesthetically pink on pink is really... tough?

Good.

We have some things we need to address. First and foremost, you are not:
-A princess
-Heiress of the Pepto Bismol fortune
-Barbie
-Living in a tulle and poof sleeve era of 1985
-Pink

When people walk into a pink themed reception, they are not enveloped with a love of how totally gorgeous everything is. They think, "Wow, that's a lot of pink."

They don't think that in a good way.

The men walking into the room feel bad for your groom because you've obviously stolen his testicles and are now using his scrotum as a coin purse so you have somewhere to put your lipstick when you go out on the town.

(Only men would think this. Women would totally know that the lipstick would melt and that this scenario is an all-around bad idea.)

Seriously, his balls? Probably not attached to him.

Women are walking into the room thinking that you're over the top.

That pink lighting you had done to wash everything that was not pink in a pink light and to accentuate everything else that's pink to be pinker?

Too fucking much.

Your insistence on serving cosmopolitans? For the love of all that is not pink, please make them strong. Your guests need the alcohol to dull their visual migraines caused by the pink light reflecting off of the pink chairs, tablecloths, napkins centerpieces and shiny pink and white dance floor.

Yes, yes, this is the wedding that you've dreamed of since you were a little girl. We need to have a little talk about marriage. When you were a little girl marriage was an idyllic thing. It included Cinderella and Prince Charming, a baby being born under a cabbage leaf, and living happily ever after. I'm hoping you now know that this is not the way things work. For starters, your prince charming? He's going to fart. A lot. He's going to forget to take out the trash. A lot. You're probably going to worry about money. You're probably going to fight about money.  You are going to gain weight, care for your aging parents, grow together, grow apart, and grow back together. You're going to hate your daughter's first boyfriend, going to change jobs, go through ups and downs that you can't even yet imagine and sometimes even hate each other and wonder what the hell you were thinking.

You totally weren't taking the anal gases into consideration when you were five, huh?

We need to evolve beyond our five year old ideals -- and tastes. For example, I now color inside of the lines VERY well and can watch R rated movies.

A wedding should be beautiful and fun. I gripe a lot about how people go over the top and lose track of what the wedding is really about, but there is just something about a bride who is talking about how pink and perfect everything is that really rubs me the wrong way. Walking into a PINK PINK PINK wedding is like the grand  Bat-Signal that the wedding you're attending isn't about the marriage, it's just about the bride. It is unsettling. And when my stomach is unsettled I take Pepto Bismol and sometimes it makes me gag because of the taste. Oddly, pink pink pink weddings do the same.

Love,
Me

I am writing the pink weddings post...

And I can't really plead writer's block... it's more like writer's confusion. Yes, the pretty pretty pink wedding is just freaking awful, but it's so deep. It's so... involved. Should I simply mock the random choices of the pink crap that people festoon their festivities with? Or should I delve into how it's all significant of the real problems of weddings and Why Girls Are Really Dumb Sometimes. Because having everything perfect and pink and totally of your dreams? Yeah, has nothing to do with the actual marriage. It has to do with someone being selfish and turning it into a party about them as an individual.

It's tough. I go back and forth on what I'm really supposed to write about, or what I really want to write about. Mocking pictures is too easy, though.

Instead I'll tell you a story that I was reminded of yesterday.

I , uh, know of a wedding where the bride and groom staged their going away shots with their guests, even though it wasn't the end of the party, but because the photographer had only been paid through half of the party.

Really.

Aren't they going to look at their going away shots and remember that they were just going back to the damn party? Aren't all of the guests thinking it's really stupid? Really stupid? Like why do they have to be pulled into this crap kind of stupid?

I've started my research and you should all be relieved

Everyone should be relieved not that I've started my research about the upcoming post chosen by the masses, but that you are not being barraged by a collage of bad strapless dress photos.

Oh holy hell. Doesn't anyone love these girls? Who lets someone think that back cleavage is okay? That four boobs created by the bisection of your God given boobs is sexy? That the grievous amount of pit-tit overage won't scare the children? Who lets someone wear a dress that clearly does not fit and the corset collapses into the fat rolls?!

Bridal shop sales people should be forced to take the following classes in a deuglifying school
Bridal Shop 101 - Navigating the crazy mothers
Bridal Shop 102 - Supportive undergarments are your friend
Bridal Shop 201 - The art of explaining that you should be able to walk in those shoes if you're going to wear them
Bridal Shop 202 - Satin, silk and taffeta are not sausage casings: There's a reason dress forms don't have flab accessories
Bridal Shop 208 - Covering the epidermis: Fabric is your friend
Bridal Shop 300 - Where boobs go and why you should keep them there
Bridal Shop 320 - Yes, you work on commissions, but not many people really need a $4,500 gown. Really. They don't.

Then they need to take an oath to first do no harm, second never let anyone walk out of the shop and straight into a worst dressed bride column, third to never let anyone mortgage anything over a dress.

The muffinization of brides should be illegal. If the dress cuts the bride like a muffin cup and the skin and fat pours out over it, the person who let the bride think that was okay in any way, shape or form should be shot.

And yes, I fully acknowledge that there are bloaty days where my jeans may cause a bit of muffinization, but I spent $75 on them and I'm on my way to work and there's not a photographer and I'm not the center of attention. Also, they are not sparkly. Most days.

The only reason  you aren't seeing pictures here is because I am certain that many brides think they look simply ravishing with their backfat all squeezed and flowy and yes they look awful but it's a criminal to tell a bride she looked like shit on her wedding day. That you totally have to do behind her back (flab).

Oh, you're still reading

So, as we all know I am very bad about updating. I didn't realize so many people were checking in until I checked my stats today. Ack! I'm sorry! (Oh, and hi! fellow Philadelphia people.)

So I guess I should post?

Let's take a vote on topics for a big post in the comments:

-Pink Weddings -- It's not all about you, dear.
-Everything has to be PERFECT!
-Children at weddings

Popping braincells

Yesterday I watched a marathon of bridal television on We.

There is no good reason as to why I did this. I have a stack of magazines including The Believer, Atlantic and several issues of The New Yorker left sitting unread. Hell, there's also a Real Simple, and maybe an issue or two of Self and/or Shape in there. I live ridiculously close to Barnes and Noble. I... I must have a life of some sort that permits me to do things other than sitting down and watching nothing but CRAP for several hours on end. I really must.

But yesterday, I did not.

I sat.

I watched Platinum Weddings. There's a certain point where spending so much money loops around and turns right into trashtastic. If your theme is pink and you have everything so pink that you even include pink lighting, well, I want to vomit from afar. I can't imagine how your guests feel. And good god. The dresses. What. The. Hell. One girl seriously looked like a white Barbie cake. Having a princess fantasy when you're 5 is okay. When you're 25? NOT SO MUCH.

Then I watched a special on finding the perfect dress.

I was appalled.

They hired people who told brides they looked good when they set new limits on pit tits and back cleavage. They were clearly incorrect.

And then I watched Bridezillas.

I dealt with some nasty brides. I have stories. But this show... Oh. My. God. What assholes.

I could go on and on and on but I'll summarize:
-These women are the mean girls who break good guys and turn them into assholes.
-I adore the people at Television Without Pity who can provide updates on who has gotten divorced. -Who the hell signs up for this show? What the hell possesses them? It's like Springer at the prom.
-If I could do it without watching it again, I would like to open a betting pool on how long it takes for different couples to get divorced.