bridehoodrevisited.typepad.com > Precious Moments, My Ass: Wedding Crap

I'ma gonna deflower you real good!

I'ma gonna deflower you real good!

I suppose the original intent of this statuette was to signify the happy couple going off into their life together.

That is not what I see.

This is one totally horny bastard set on experiencing SEX for the very first time. And by SEX, he's going to lay her down, hike her dress up, and 30 seconds later be very proud of himself. Look at her eyes. She knows this is going to suck so she got a little high.

Oh yeah, she's not a virgin.


Lie Back and Think of England

Lie Back and Think of England

Ah, sharing in that special mother and daughter moment...

I'm guessing that mama doesn't know that Sweetie is with child.


This is unity.

This is unity.

Two people standing next to each other, wearing dumb outfits, looking awkward, not touching and in a glass bubble. Romance at its finest.


Prom/Wedding

Prom/Wedding

Janey Sue wore the same outfit to her prom two weeks later and no one noticed.


Just fucking stupid.

Just fucking stupid.

Not to mention, you know the real intention of these glasses was NEVER to have anything harder than sparkling grape juice.


For the love of all that is good and couture

For the love of all that is good and couture

YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING PRINCESS.


You can also be a Precious Moments cartoon

You can also be a Precious Moments cartoon

And you can remember it forever in this lovely, lovely frame. This frame shows that there is love, like in sixth grade when you used to draw hearts around Me + Tony = 4EVA!


Yes, that's a tear on her cheek.

Yes, that's a tear on her cheek.

They're in front of all of their family and friends so she can't say no. Why they hell couldn't he wear pants without a hole in the knee? What is he? Eight? Do adults really get holes in their knees?

She knew there was a problem on their first date when the conversation went as follows:


"Hi, Hi. My name is Bill. I live with my mother. She's my best friend. Do you want to be my girl friend? Will you be my girlfriend, please?"


Damn Ugly.

Damn Ugly.

There is nothing hard enough to put into these glasses that would make this okay. Do people actually put good champagne in these things? Or does the champagne come in a can? It would seem inherently wrong to put Veuve Clicquot in one of those babies, and I'm 100% certain that getting Clos du Mesnil 1995 in the same room would be considered sacrilege.


And she said no.

And she said no.

He's going to cry a little, but really it's his own fault. Hunting with your buddies never trumps your girlfriend's foot surgery.


He has flowers on his shoes.

He has flowers on his shoes.

This is not going to work out, my friends.


Oh so punny.

Oh so punny.

Yes, the ties that bind. In a Heaven's Gate kinda way...


I shouldn't have told you when you were carrying something...

I shouldn't have told you when you were carrying something...

"It was really a one time thing, I was kinda drunk and I laid down on the pool table... In short, I don't know who the father is."


Now, bitch!

Now, bitch!

"WHO is your master?"

"You are, ma'am!"

This will one day become a feature in their pastel BDSM collection.


She hates this.

She hates this.

Right here, she's panicking about her wedding night because she just
married a guy who's wearing a bow tie as big as his head. He's
obviously not going to give a damn about her needs.