Bridehood Revisited: The decline of civilization at $250 a plate

Confetti is not fun, people. NOT FUN.

I hate opening an envelope and having confetti falling out. What's the point? Being surprised? Sure. I'm surprised, but not pleasantly so.  When things fall all over the floor and then stick to the bottom of my shoes and find there way into the very thin crevices in my hardwood floors so they can remain there and sparkle at me forever because I can't freaking remove them, I am unhappy.

I HATE confetti.

On tables?

No.

No.

No.

A door opens, a breeze blows and the confetti is contaminating your food.

It sticks to the bottom of your drink glasses.

It sticks to sweaters.

It gets into the carpet.

It gets into your hair and sticks to your face and someone takes a picture of you and you forever look far more dumb than your drunken self would have looked anyway.

It's a motherfucking bitch to clean up.

So yes, I hate confetti.

And you know what that means?

Oh yes, it means that I would HATE you to the depths of the firey fires of hell if you put confetti with your fucking picture on it in an envelope and sent it to me. There is no one I like that much that I would want teeeeeeeny pictures of them staring back at me.

So sure, if you want me, and really, I know I'm not alone, so myself and MANY others to be very mad at you and question your judgment of all that is good and holy, please, do not spend $19.99 for personalized confetti.

A journey for us all.

My take on Precious Moments weddings. Click here for the photo album.

On the topic of being a good guest

When you are invited to a function where something is happening, be it a wedding, a performance, a joust or a cockfight, if you attend, please feign interest. Do not read a book.  I'm serious. Do not bring a book to read during the ceremony, or the reception.  If it's going to be that boring, please excuse yourself.  It is extremely disrespectful to the couple. 

Of course, it's more disrespectful if you're reading The Idiot's Guide to Divorce.

All that glitters is not gold.

Glitter hairspray is not elegant.

Glitter make up is not elegant.

Glitter body gel is not elegant.

This is not a rich, elegant look for your wedding day.

It is not nice.

It is cheap and tacky.

Now, there is a BIG difference between shimmer and glitter. A little shimmer can be just fine. If the shimmer particles are chunky or visible pieces of plastic,  applied with glue, specially marketed for nipples (for stripping, duh) or  if it's  marketed to pre-teens, it's not appropriate for any day during your adulthood, especially your wedding day, unless you are a hooker.

Flower whores? No. I don't think so.

There's nothing cuter or sweeter than little girls -- and that's why we choose them to be flower girls, right?  So the flower girl attire should emphasize that cuteness and sweetness and innocence.  It should not be designed to emphasize non-existent cleavage.  For the record, little girls don't have boobies and are not supposed to have boobies. So why am I seeing flower girl dresses with halter tops and corsets? It's bad enough to see shopping malls full of prematurely sexualized pre-teenagers dressed in clothes better suited for a street corner at 2 a.m. Now we have 3, 4 and 5 year-olds walking down the aisle wearing smaller versions of wedding gowns that seemed designed to show off bust-lines that won't put in an appearance for another 8 to 10 years. Creepy! Not to mention it's kind of confusing to have a mini-me bride running around during the wedding.  Here's a word of fashion advice that cannot steer you wrong when it comes to flower girls:  Picture the warddrobe of the Olsen twins early in their career. That's right. It may be retrodated fashion from 1988, but that's the kind of sweet little dress you want adorning your charming niece as she scatters petals on the runner before you. The look should be innocent, not sexy.  You want you guests to say, "Awwwww!" not, "Huh?"
This is not cute:

This is cute:

Not cute:

Very cute:

 

Just Say No.

rJust say no to the garter toss, just like you said no to drugs in fifth grade. It’s bad for you. Wear a garter and let your husband take it off in the privacy of your bridal suite. In front of your guests? No. In front of chanting and cheering guests to sleazy porno music? Never, ever, ever.

A garter is supposed to hold your pantyhose up near your hooha and now you're chucking it to a random single man? Ew. On any day other than your wedding day you would be considered a major freak. Major freak.

Yeah, it’s a tradition, but traditions can die, it’s okay. People don’t sacrifice their young any more. We can let this go too.

It brings no luck. None. It’s never a sign of impending marriage. There are plenty of people who have caught the garter/bouquet multiple times and it has not helped them. Give it up. Let it go. It’s gross and tacky.

It's humiliating for all of your unmarried friends. What if only one guys stands up? I'm sure that  makes his self-esteem skyrocket.

It’s humiliating for you.  People are cheering because your husband has his hands up your dress? That’s supposed to be done in private, people. Private!

Let it go. Please.

Registries

I have mixed feelings on registries to begin with. I know they're necessary to prevent inundations of fondue pots, crock pots, stew pots, and hideous tchotchkes like Precious Moments figurines from relatives you didn't want to invite to your wedding anyway. I just can't get over a feeling of "come to my wedding and pick an item off of this extensive and very expensive menu of gifts to bestow upon me." I'm probably in the minority here, but that's okay.

There is a limit to what is appropriate to put on a registry. That should be remembered as you're skipping down the aisles of Target with the registry scanner in your hand. Have some boundaries. Just because Target has it does not mean that you need to register for it.

-Do not, and I repeat, do NOT register for a toilet plunger. Pooping, my friends, is not a group effort. We share the joys and sorrows of our lives with our friends, but we do not need to share the intricacies of our bathroom habits with anyone.

-Do not register for condoms. Birth control, my friends, is not a group effort. If you are incapable of purchasing birth control on your own, please do not waste money on a wedding.

-Don't register for personal health care items. Menstruation, headaches, underarm odor, colds and the flu do not require group management. Handle that on your own time and your own dime.

Why am I pointing this out? People really do register for this stuff. Really. I know. I know...

 

No Place at a Wedding

Whenever I meet with a bridal couple, I have a couple of key things that tip me off to what might be an ugly wedding, one of which happens to be Disney.

I don't get the Disney themed wedding. Now, I can sort of see why people have destination weddings at Disney World/Land, but not Disney themed weddings outside of those places. At Disney, you can have a whole wedding weekend with plenty of things to do for everyone. And given the level of skill with which everything is prepared and the level of service able to be provided and the amount of services available all in one place with a single planner? It's not a completely atrocious cost.

Let's look at the realities of this. You want to feel like Cinderella on your wedding day? You can't. Cinderella was enslaved by her ugly step-mother, berated by her awful step-sisters and now she's marrying the love of her life, and she gets to be a princess. She's feeling liberation and validation. If you were going from being locked in a bell tower to being a princess, you too would feel like Cinderella. But you aren't. You are not Cinderella.

If you're really into the Disney Cinderella fairy tale, keep in mind that this woman you are modeling your wedding after? She spoke to mice. She named them. They made her dress. That's not fucking possible. In the real world people like that are put in special places and their doctors give them special drugs.

She also wore glass shoes. There is no comparison between a lucite shoe and a glass shoe. Wearing a glass shoe can only be done in a cartoon. Wearing a lucite shoe should only be done if you're standing on a street corner or working at the Bunny Ranch in Vegas.

Oh, so you're not doing a Cinderella themed wedding, it's a Mickey and Minnie wedding? That's great. You're having a mouse themed wedding. You are having a rodent themed wedding? At this very moment I have mouse traps in my kitchen to catch those disease carrying vermin and KILL THEM. They are vile, disgusting creatures, and again you are structuring your wedding theme around them? Why don't you have a snake themed wedding? Or rat. Or pigeon.

Oh, oh, oh, that's right, they're anthropomorphic, so they're not human, but you play into the game that they are? Good for you. That speaks a lot.

Listen, everyone loves a good cartoon every now and then, but really, on your wedding day??? What do you want, a Sponge Bob wedding? A Simpsons wedding? A Family Guy wedding? A Jem and the Holograms wedding? (Dude, if your husband goes for that, I'm foreseeing problems in the bedroom in your future...) Unless you're hiring a professional caricaturist to do pictures of your guests during the reception (guests love this!), you shouldn't have cartoon characters present (one exception would be if you are a professional animator and that's how you met. That's an exception.)

The Garter...

Dear Groom,
Congratulations! You just got married. Now it's time for you to participate in (a very passé) tradition known as the garter toss. Look at your lovely bride. Now look up her skirt and look for the garter. Wait! Wait! Hold the phone. It's your freaking wedding. The audience does not want a money shot. Pay attention!

Signed,
Grossed out

And on an unfortunately related side note...

Dear Bride,
Congratulations! You just got married. You've planned hard and worked your butt off to get to this day. Chances are you spent a lot of time primping and refining your look. But you missed something. Yep, you'll be married to him for the rest of your life. He's the only man you'll ever screw again. But really, at least trim it up for your wedding night. That's right, I'm talking about the area down below. Yeah, that one. Wax. Shave. Pluck (ow!). Trim. Whatever. Do something. I'm not saying that you need to go completely hairless, but on a day when you've primped and coiffed everything else, don't forget your undercarriage.

Signed,
Always coiffed, what the hell is wrong with you?