Dear Pretty Pretty Pink Princess,
I do not like you.
But congrats on your recent nuptials. Yay you. You've been waiting a long time to have a wedding of your dreams. Probably since you were five. Now, if you're old enough to get married now, you probably weren't into the Disney Princesses when you were younger, therefore, it's really not acceptable for you to be enamored with them. 'Kay? The "I want everything to be pink!" phase of your life should be long over. As you grow, your tastes should evolve beyond the pink pink pink. Really. We all like accents of pink here and there (except for one of my college roommates who insisted that pink was evil and for a short period of time my freshman year made me strongly consider redecorating my side of the room in a Barbie theme, but anyway...) (Hi, G! Love you! Miss you lots!)
I'm not quite sure why there are no great pictures of the grand Blush and Bashful affair from Steel Magnolias that are easy to find on the web. There probably are and I'm lazy and gave up too easily, but let's get this one thing clear. Pink is pink. Many people like to have pink accents at their weddings. Pink and orange. Pink and Green. Pink and Brown. Pink and Blue. Now, some are fine. Pink and blue reminds everyone of a baby shower and makes them wonder why you're a slut and when you are due. Pink and pink and pink? Ugh.
All pinks are not created equal. All pinks do not accentuate each other. Pink pink pink? Well, if you were walking down the street wearing pink pants, a pink shirt, a pink headband, pink socks and shoes, a pink watch and carrying a pink purse you would look stupid. I would make fun of you. Lots of other people would too. Trust me. I know and love those people. They read this blog. In fact, they're judging you right now. So, are we clear that aesthetically pink on pink is really... tough?
We have some things we need to address. First and foremost, you are not:
-Heiress of the Pepto Bismol fortune
-Living in a tulle and poof sleeve era of 1985
When people walk into a pink themed reception, they are not enveloped with a love of how totally gorgeous everything is. They think, "Wow, that's a lot of pink."
They don't think that in a good way.
The men walking into the room feel bad for your groom because you've obviously stolen his testicles and are now using his scrotum as a coin purse so you have somewhere to put your lipstick when you go out on the town.
(Only men would think this. Women would totally know that the lipstick would melt and that this scenario is an all-around bad idea.)
Seriously, his balls? Probably not attached to him.
Women are walking into the room thinking that you're over the top.
That pink lighting you had done to wash everything that was not pink in a pink light and to accentuate everything else that's pink to be pinker?
Too fucking much.
Your insistence on serving cosmopolitans? For the love of all that is not pink, please make them strong. Your guests need the alcohol to dull their visual migraines caused by the pink light reflecting off of the pink chairs, tablecloths, napkins centerpieces and shiny pink and white dance floor.
Yes, yes, this is the wedding that you've dreamed of since you were a little girl. We need to have a little talk about marriage. When you were a little girl marriage was an idyllic thing. It included Cinderella and Prince Charming, a baby being born under a cabbage leaf, and living happily ever after. I'm hoping you now know that this is not the way things work. For starters, your prince charming? He's going to fart. A lot. He's going to forget to take out the trash. A lot. You're probably going to worry about money. You're probably going to fight about money. You are going to gain weight, care for your aging parents, grow together, grow apart, and grow back together. You're going to hate your daughter's first boyfriend, going to change jobs, go through ups and downs that you can't even yet imagine and sometimes even hate each other and wonder what the hell you were thinking.
You totally weren't taking the anal gases into consideration when you were five, huh?
We need to evolve beyond our five year old ideals -- and tastes. For example, I now color inside of the lines VERY well and can watch R rated movies.
A wedding should be beautiful and fun. I gripe a lot about how people go over the top and lose track of what the wedding is really about, but there is just something about a bride who is talking about how pink and perfect everything is that really rubs me the wrong way. Walking into a PINK PINK PINK wedding is like the grand Bat-Signal that the wedding you're attending isn't about the marriage, it's just about the bride. It is unsettling. And when my stomach is unsettled I take Pepto Bismol and sometimes it makes me gag because of the taste. Oddly, pink pink pink weddings do the same.